Out With Nurse Mommy

          It was a Friday, and another day off from school and this time I had to go to work with Mom. Mom worked at the local doctor’s office, and worked under Dr. Pornstake. The Doc was a Urologist which I didn’t really know what a Urologist was, but I know my Daddy did not like going to see one. My Mother put me in the waiting room with some coloring books, and crayons. Mom also told me I could play with the toys in the corner that were there. She informed me that she needed to change in to her nurse’s outfit. Ten minutes went by, and Mom came back to see me and she was wearing green pajamas.

            “Mommy, why are you not wearing your nurse’s outfit?” I asked.

            “Cupcake, this is my nurse’s outfit,” she said. Mom always liked to call me cupcake.

            “No, I mean the other one.”

            “You mean the other green one?” she asked.

            I then said, “NO, silly Mommy, the white one.”

            “Joey, sweetie, I don’t own a white nurse’s outfit.  I just have green ones like the one I am wearing,” and she pointed to her outfit she had on.

            “Mommy, look, last week you had on a white nurses outfit with a small hat that had that red plus sign on it. You did not have pajama bottoms like those, you were wearing a very short dress, and when I mean short, I mean short. Mommy you were also wearing what looked like Grandpa’s fishing net on your legs and wearing the red high heels you put on when you and Daddy go out on special nights out. Another thing, I even heard you ask Daddy how did he like your new nurse’s outfit. I even saw that Daddy had a really big smile on his face when he said,

“I like it very much.”

            I have known my Mommy all my life and I can tell you one thing, after I told her about that white nurse’s outfit for some strange reason she turned as red as the Lobstah Dad had last night at the seafood restaurant. Heck, the lady behind the desk in the waiting room was acting strange too, she had her hand over her mouth. I guess that lady behind the desk was not feeling too good or something.

            “Joey Stein that was not my nurse’s outfit. That was my Halloween costume.” She said loudly.

            “Mommy, it’s February,” I said with a straight face.

            “I got it on sale!”

“Ok,” I said. I can’t wait until Halloween now. I might go as a Urology patient.   I wonder what Dad will be.

Day Off From School

                 I had a day off from school, I think it was one of those teacher work days. Well, my Mom and Dad worked it out where my little sister went with my Mother to work while I had to go with Dad. I asked Dad, “What about Elizabeth.” I was then informed that she was staying with a friend.

                Dad and I headed out to the family business BLOW BROTHERS.  When my Dad and his workers answer the phone they always say, “BLOW BROTHERS were number one in the number two business we have little trucks, big trucks and those extra-large trucks for those extra special jobs. How may I help you?” My Dad has about 15 trucks for moving: as he calls it, human waste. Dad also put out POOR-A-JONS out door bathrooms that poor people use. They are very popular. My Dad just has his guys put them all over town, and people just use them. I can’t understand how he can just put bathrooms all over the place and not make a dime.

                One time my Dad put an ad in the paper to drum up more business. The add had two septic tank trucks on the sides and in the middle read SEPTIC TANKS PUMPED SWIMMING POOLS FILLED needless to say he didn’t fill any pools. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t work.

                Any ways,. that morning my Dad had to drive one of the trucks. Dad and I headed to our first job. I asked my Dad what a septic tank was, before he could explain we pulled up to our first job. A woman runs up to us and says’ “Thank goodness you are here. It’s my husband.” Dad asks the woman, “What’s wrong?” She tells him, “My husband was mowing the lawn and the ground over the septic tank opened up and he fell in.”

                Dad ran over to the hole and looked in. I came up beside my Dad and he said, “That’s what a septic tank is, “As he pointed into the hole. The man in hole looked up at us and said, “Can you get me out of here.” The poor man was stuck in a pea soup mess with a lawn mower slowing going under like the Titanic. It looked like a good mower, too, from what was visible. Over my shoulder I heard, “Don’t worry honey! The septic tank man will get you out.”

                I looked at my Dad and said, “Daddy you don’t have a ladder.”

                “I know,” He said.

                My Dad called the fire department and in 15 minutes, they finally showed up. Booth Bay’s finest beer-bellied firemen. Two Santa Claus wanna-bees came up to the hole and looked down and then looked at my Dad. One of them says, “I guess he’s in some deep shit.”

                The other fireman says, “NO, he’s not in some deep shit, he’s mowing through some deep shit.”

                After the firemen got the guy out, we left and my Dad looks at me and said, “That was a shitty job. By the way, don’t tell your mother what happened.”          

Every Story Has a Beginning

         My name is Joey Stein, I have a little sister named Jenny and a big sister named Elizabeth. My Dad owns a septic tank business, and my mother is a nurse. My parents say I have no commonsense and that they pray every day for me to find it. I live in Boothbay Harbor, Maine, in a big house with a large yard. At the far end of the yard is a sand box and a swing set with a slide. I’m currently serving my second sentence in kindergarten at John F. Kennedy elementary school. My teachers name is Mrs. White she’s kind of like a Jeckle and Hyde. I just think she’s crazy and beg Mom and Dad every day just to put me in another school, or even another classroom. My classroom has 20 snot nosed, wait, 19 snot nosed whiney butts. The worst of the whiney butts is little Miss Princess, Katie Manfield. Miss Princess always tries to tell me what to do in class. I think it stems from the fact that her daddy is the Mayor. One day, Katie made me play dolls with her. I didn’t want to, but she told the teacher. Mrs. White said, “Joey, sometimes we need to be nice and play things others like to play.”

            I lost the battle and was stuck with Barbie’s boyfriend, Ken. Ken and I talked and we wanted to play superheroes. I took off Ken’s pants and put his underwear on over his pants. I then did the same and lucky for me I was wearing superman underwear. I looked at Katie and said, “Superman and Superboy need to go to work so Barbie’s just going to have to deal with it and eat dinner on her own.” Little Miss Princess had a cow, and ratted me out to the teacher. I already had a yellow ticket on the wall, and she got me a red, and I had to sit in the corner. I got her back that day at snack time by pouring my water out on her chair. After Katie sat down, I told Mrs. White that Katie wet her pants. I even said it loud enough that the whole class heard me. Katie Manfield looked at me and said’ “I hate you, Joey Stein.” I just smiled at her and ate my chocolate chip cookie. Revenge tastes so sweet.