PUTTING THE SEAT DOWN

                In my house we have one bathroom but it’s big. The toilet sits in a room by itself in the bathroom. It’s like a closet for the toilet. Dad and I never close the door to the toilet closet. Dad tells Mom that he can’t turn around after he’s done because the closet’s too small. I don’t close the door because I’m too lazy to care. Mom, Elizabeth, and Jenny, they all close the door. I hate it when Mom closes the door because every time I need to ask her a question she’s in the bathroom and I have to talk to the bathroom door in order to talk to her. When Mom is in the bathroom she’s in there for a long time with her zombie phone or with a book. Mom calls the toilet closet the library. I just don’t know why because there are no book shelves with books on them in the bathroom.

                Mom, Elizabeth and Jenny battle every day with dad and me because we always forget to put the seat down. One night Mom got up about two in the morning to use the bathroom (Dad was the last one in the bathroom before Mom). She sat down in the dark to use the bathroom and forgot to check to see if Dad put down the seat. Mom yelled out Dad’s full name and even spoke a little French. Mom’s yelling woke up the whole house and everyone ran to the bathroom thinking something was wrong with her. For one hour Mom and Dad were talking, more like yelling back and forth about the toilet seat being up or down. My sister, Elizabeth, yelled a number of times, “Will you two shut up and go to sleep?”

                I would yell out after that, “Thanks, Sis.”

                Mom or Dad would chime in, “You kids need to go to sleep, don’t worry about what your parents are doing.”

                Elizabeth would fire back, “Well, we would sleep if you two would stop arguing about a stupid toilet seat.”

                Morning came, Mom didn't say a word to Dad, I think she was still mad at him. Breakfast was like silent lunch at school for everyone was still sleepy from being kept awake part of the night. After breakfast, dad left the house for work. About two hours passed and while I was playing in my room, I heard a beeping sound, like one of Dad’s trucks backing up. I ran to the Kitchen and looked out on the deck and saw Dad offloading a Poor a John on to our deck.

                “Joey, get out here and help!” Dad yelled.

                We placed the Poor a John on the deck and up against the house. I asked Dad, “Why do we have a Poor a John on the deck? Are we setting up a homeless shelter?”

                Dad answered back, “No, and it’s not a Poor a John, it’s a Port a John. This is going to be our new bathroom, the men’s room.” 

                “What about the winter time? It will be too cold to use?”

                “Just grin and bear it, kid.”

                Dad went into the house and informed Mom what he had done. Mom said, “So now when I sit out on the deck I have to look at one of your shitters.”

                “Well, look at it this way, honey, at least your ass won’t fall into the toilet during the night, “Dad shot back as he smiled.