Cell Phone Baby Sitter

                From time to time my Parents go out by themselves. They call it Mommy/ Daddy time. My little sister and I call it baby sitter time. Sometimes our big sister watches us or even worse a baby sitter. First off I’m not a baby. Jenny might still be one, but me, I’m too old to be a baby. Mom and Dad always tells me that I can’t be alone because I might burn down the house and I always tell them, “Look how was I to know you couldn't put tin foil in the microwave, if you guys thought there was a sticker on the microwave that said no metal items then you’re mistaken!” The Microwave is but another story for later.

                One night, we had to have a baby sitter because Mom and Dad needed that special time. Mom had to get a different baby sitter, the regular one, Miss Jackie as she was called, was out of town. Jenny was not happy at all. She liked Miss Jackie, because she played tea time with Jenny.

                Our sister, Elizabeth, was also going to be out of town for a school trip. It ended up Mom got a baby sitter who just happened to be one of Elizabeth’s Goth friends.

                Six pm at the Stein residence came and the doorbell rang. At the door my parents greeted the baby sitter Kim. Kim was a lot like my sister, the bride of Frankenstein, minus the white makeup. I guess Kim figured she wasn't going to a Halloween party so she should look somewhat human. Kim was dressed in a black long sleeve shirt with black and white strips a black dress which stopped at her knee caps. Her socks covered her legs and she had on black work boots with pink shoe laces of all things. Dr. Phil should do a show on her called “Disney Princess Gone Bad.”

                Anyways, Kim played nice and Mom and Dad headed out the door and told Kim that they would be back at 11:00pm and that Jenny and I needed to be in bed by no later than 8:45pm. Mom and Dad’s car, AKA the Bat Van, pulled away and Miss Kim sat down on the sofa popped on the idiot box as Mom called it. The room was silent minus the TV and then it happened. The baby sitter whipped out something Jenny and myself hated with a passion. It was one of the worst things ever created by man, so dark and evil, it could suck the life out of a person. It was a pink cell phone, Jenny looked at me and said, “Look, Joey, it’s one of those Zombie phones.”

                I didn’t say a word I just looked at Miss Kim pecking away at the screen. Jenny went up to Miss Kim while she was glued to her little screen.

                “Miss Kim, will you play tea time with me,” Jenny asked in a soft somewhat scared voice. Miss Kim fired back saying, “Kid, can’t you see I’m doing something here? Like what’s your problem? Go play with your brother or something.”

                Just then we hear a heavy knock on the door, more like someone is pounding on the house. Miss Kim gets up still looking at her phone and opens the door. To my surprise it was a Goth boy and before I could even think it Jenny says to me, “Hey, that looks like the guy in Elizabeth’s picture by her mirror.”

                “Yeah, the one with the heart on the picture,” I said.

                The Goth dude said to Miss Kim, “What’s up?”

                Miss Kim smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss on the lips and then went back to her phone. Miss Kim and the Goth dude sat down on the sofa, for a good hour the two of them were on their phones not saying a word. Jenny and I played in her room for a little while. At one point Jenny asked me, “Joey, are you going to do something about Elizabeth’s friend? That’s not right, she’s a bad friend.”

                “You’re right Jenny, I need to do something just give me some time to figure it out,” I said.

                Kim and the Goth dude put their phones on the coffee table and started disgustingly sucking face. The bad part was Miss Kim was chewing gum and never took it out of her mouth. I crawled across the floor trying not to be seen and grabbed Miss Kim’s phone. I took a picture of the two octopuses sucking face with Miss Kim’s phone and sent it to my sister’s phone with the message. Isn’t this the guy you like that’s sucking face with your friend Miss Kim? By the way, don’t call this phone, because your little brothers going to make it go by bye-bye.

                I took Miss Kim’s phone and put it in our microwave for one minute. I looked at Jenny and said, “We need to take cover!” As we ducked behind the wall in the hallway and waited the Goth dudes phone rang. I could tell it was my sister, because the person on the phone was yelling and the Goth dude said, “But, Elizabeth, I’m not with Kim; I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  

                Just as Miss Kim says to the Goth dude, “You’re a liar!”

                Jenny and I smelled smoke, I then counted down to Jenny, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6.” BOOMMM, the microwave exploded.

                Miss Kim yelled, “What the F#@*!!!”

                I grabbed Jenny’s ears to cover up what Miss Kim said. Jenny looked at me, smiled and said, “You don’t have to cover my ears. I know what “fuck” is. That’s what Mom and Dad do in the bedroom.”

                The Goth dude yells out, “Shit, whoooow.”

                As I’m still holding on to Jenny’s ears she says, “Joey, take your hands off my ears what your doing is not working. I heard the bad Goth guy say shit and I know what that means too. That’s what we all do in the toilet closet.”

As were sitting on the floor in the hallway waiting for the smoke to clear seconds after the microwave exploded the front door burst open. Pieces of the door jam go flying and Dad runs in and yells, “Everyone out of the house!”

                We all headed out into the yard. I could still hear my sister on the Goth dudes cell phone yelling away. That night Jenny and I heard words from our parents that I had never heard as they yelled at Miss Kim. That night Miss Kim and her new boyfriend had to walk home. As for me, I was grounded for a month and had to work off the cost of a new microwave oven. My sister, on the other hand, looked at me as Jesus for what I had done to her X friend and X future boyfriend. He was scary looking anyway.