Phone Zombies

       
    The day started like any other, Mom made breakfast. As Jenny and I sat eating our breakfast Mom slowly pulled out her cell phone and started looking at it. Mom had one of those smart phones that could go online and do half a dozen other things. The phone was one of those deals Dad got, I think like a buy one get one free thing.

                At one point, I needed some more juice, so I asked Mom, “Mom, I need some more Juice.”

                Mom said, “OK, just one minute.” She never looked up.

 Two minutes went by and again I asked, “Mom, it’s been two minutes, I need some juice over here!”

Mom still looking at her phone said, “OK” and still didn't move or take her eye off the phone.

Jenny asked, “What’s wrong with Mommy?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a questionable look.

Just then Dad came down and he was looking at his phone. “Hey, Dad can you help me, I need some more juice and Mom’s not responding. I think she’s glued to that phone you got her.”

Dad didn't even look up from his phone and said, “OK, I've got to go to work.” And Dad walk out the door.

Jenny looked at me and I look at her and she said, “What is going on, Joey?”

“I don’t know, Jenny?”

Just after Dad walked out the door, Elizabeth, my big sister came down with her phone in hand.

“Hey, Sis, can you get me some more juice,” I asked hoping she would help me out.

“Sure, look in the refrigerator,” she said not even looking up from her phone. I hit my head with my right hand and thought what a kid has to do to get a glass of juice. The front door slams shut and I looked over at where Mom was sitting and she was gone.  My big sister was gone to. I looked at my little sister and said, “Where home alone, O’ no!!!”

All my little sister did was scream. After about an hour of blood curdling screaming she stopped. I made us PB and J sandwiches for lunch. By late afternoon the Phone zombies showed up still glued to their phones. Jenny and I were fed dinner. It wasn't pretty. Night fell upon the house and everyone was in bed. That night I rounded up all the cell phones and dumped them in the toilet. To make sure they wouldn't use the phone again I sat down on the toilet and released the Kraken upon them. I even left the toilet seat up while the whole soupy mess stewed overnight.    

Come morning, I got my point across and Dad had to buy new phones for everyone.   

Our Dog Keeper

                Our dog, Keeper, is a good dog. He’s better than our past dogs. We named him, Keeper, because Mom and Dad always had problems with dogs. We had one dog that would not stop barking, it barked non-stop, to the point one of our neighbors thought we had rare African bird in our yard. The dog bark sounded like a strange bird from a distance. We had to get rid of that dog. Another dog was a Siberian husky. He was big, I didn’t like him he scared me. He also scared my little sister and Mom. The husky didn’t scare my Dad, but the husky was scared of my big sister, Elizabeth. Every time she came around he would go hide under the coffee table. I think it was because all that Goth make up she wore. Sad to say, but the husky had to go to a friend adopted him to live on his farm with two other dogs.

                When Dad found Keeper he told Mom this is the last dog. So Mom told Dad, “Fine, we’ll call him, Keeper.” Keeper is a big dog trapped in a little dog’s body. He weighs about 30Ibs and sounds like he’s a 100Lbs.

                Well let me tell you about one of Keepers tales, not that he has more than one tail, I mean stories. My Dad always tells Mom and my big sister to put female type things in the trash can and not down the toilet. He says only toilet paper should be put in the toilet, and to think about the stuff that needs to be cleaned out of waste water. My Mom and sister understood, while Keeper was a puppy he understood what was in the trash can and from time to time he would empty out the trash can. All over the bathroom floor, hallway and sometimes the living room floor, bathroom trash would be spread every were. My Dad got mad at us kids and the dog, because we would forget to close the bathroom door and the dog would of course dump out the trash can. One night the family was watching a movie. Keeper started coughing and then sounded like she was chocking. The whole family looked at the dog and before Dad could get out of this chair to help Keeper a big white thing flew out of her month. The object flew across the room and landed behind one of Mom’s house plants. Dad checked on the dog after all of us looked at each other wondering what flew out of the dog’s month. My sister Elizabeth went over to the house plant and picked up the item when she found it. At first we didn’t know what it was. All you saw was a string hooked to a fluffy long white object with spots of red on it. Then my sister yells out, “Hey, I know what it is, it’s a used Tampon!”

                My little sister and I ran out of the living room in disgust. Mom yelled, “Elizabeth, throw that away!”

                My Dad said, “See now everyone will remember to close the bathroom door.”        

Spellcheck

When I write something in Microsoft Word and spell it wrong it underlines it and then tells me what words it thinks I am looking for. Word gets it wrong most of the time.

When I use my phone and I’m texting or when I’m writing an email auto correct kicks in and tries to put words in my head.

When I use Google search for some strange reason it understands what I’m writing.

When I look up a word in the Dictionary, I just look at the cover and think, hell that takes too long. 

D.A.S.S

            I like going places with my dad, and when I’m out and about with him he runs into a lot of what he calls D.A.S.Ss. One time we were traveling on the highway and a guy in a pickup truck cut my dad off he didn’t even use his turn signal.

            My dad said, “That D.A.S.S, he must be a Masshole!”

            To clear his reference up the word “Masshole” is what folks from Maine call people from Massachusetts or another name used in a nicer content is Massawhatsit. Folks in that, state don’t know what a turn signal is. My dad says the turn signals in cars from Massawhatsit have been disconnected, as the car manufacturers figured them folks never use them. So why make them work?

            Another D.A.S.S moment happened when my dad and I were at the pet store. We exited the pet store and this fancy pants dude, as my dad called him, put his cart by the curb and it slowly rolled backwards and ran into the front of my dad’s truck. Dad was mad, but keep in mind we own a septic tank business, so the dent wasn't the problem. He, was madder at the fact that as the cart rolled backwards and the guy just got in his BMW and drove out of the parking lot. Out of my dad’s mouth came the words, “That stupid D.A.S.S!!”

            With all that said I made it my goal to rid the world of D.A.S.S I started with my kindergarten class. It was a Friday afternoon, my teacher Miss P. she looked like Popeye’s girlfriend Olive Oil, she told the class to play quietly and that she had to step out for a short time. Our kindergarten classroom was one of those open room something’s were you had two classrooms side by side with no wall. Miss P. informed the other teacher Miss what’s her name that she was stepping out. I think she had to go to the can as my dad called it.

            After Miss P. walked out the door I grabbed the big letter cards and laid the cards against the board by the circle time area. I then got ever one to come to circle time area and sit down. I placed out the letter cards D.A.S.S and explained to my classmate how not to be a D.A.S.S. I found that for some of the girls there was no hope. I informed the hopeless girls to pray for common sense every night before they went to bed, and that one day it would come. Halfway through my program Miss P. walks in and sees the kids gathered and my letters laid out. I knew the gig was up when I heard her say, “Joey Stein!!” That little program got me a trip to the principal’s office and a phone call to my parents.

            My mom that night, glared at my dad and said, “This is your fault!” as she pointed at me. He just gave me a wink as he shrugged his shoulders.    

I WANT BIG TIRES ON MY BIKE

Small tires are nice but I want BIG, the bigger the better.

 NO kid should have to put up with small. 

Stupid in the City

            Our family rarely makes trips to Portland. It’s a bit of a drive from what Mom says. With that said, when the opportunity popped up, I jumped at going to Portland. Dad had to pick up some stuff, from one of his suppliers. Dad and I headed out in the morning, and he informed me that he would take me around the big city. Portland wasn't really a big city, it was just the biggest town in the State of Maine.

            The two of us arrived in Portland about 9:00am, Dad informed me that we had to pick up some septic pump parts at Blowin Septic pumps before we could tour the city. It took dad about an hour at the pump store. Sales people; they love to talk. I guess when they are at home, their wives don’t let them talk a lot, so they make up for it at work. When my dad was finally done, I shook out the ants in my pants, and we headed down town to visit a number of shops. We even had lobster rolls for lunch.

            As we head down Commercial Street we started hearing a loud noise. Boom, boom, boom. It was getting louder, and coming from the street which was packed full of cars. I then heard someone singing, “Yo gonna beat that bitch with a bat, yo gonna beat that bitch with a bat.” When my dad heard the words he whipped his head around so fast I thought it was going to fall off. My dad and I figured out where the music and those bad lyrics were coming from. Down the Street came a Mercedes convertible with the top down. Behind the wheel was a white guy in a suit and tie; he looked like the banker type. I knew the words bat and beat, but I didn’t know what bitch meant.

            I looked up at my dad and asked, “What’s a bitch?”

            My dad answered my question almost like he knew I was going to ask it and said, “A bitch is a female dog.” 

            I then asked, “So why would someone want to make a song about beating a female dog, let alone listen to it?”

            “Son, he doesn’t want to beat his dog he’s just mad at his wife because she divorced him,” my dad said with a straight face.

            “Dad what’s a divorce?”

            “Forget I said it. Let’s go get some ice cream.”

Guacamole

Our family goes out about once a week. Our whole family gathers about once every six months. On one of those six month gatherings we ended up at a Mexican restaurant. Mexican food was not my top choice I would have been happy with pizza, hamburgers, or chicken nuggets; everything a growing boy needs. Eating Mexican will just make me short. Also what’s up with Mexican food anyway you ask for beans and they look like someone put them in a blender. Hell, if you ask for meat it’s also blended up. If I was a baby still, I would love Mexican, it would beat eating vegetables that looked like tapioca pudding. My biggest pet peeve about Mexican food are the hot sauces they put on the food. My uncle Joe, who I’m named after, by the way, loves hot stuff. If there truly is a hell they are all setting around eating Mexican food, “Pass the refried beans, please.” Enough about my dislike of Mexican food. My family pulled in to Mexican Pete’s Restaurant. Mexican Pete’s looked like something crossed between a redneck with money and a Mexican that didn’t know what a peso was. Outside in the parking lot we waited and talked to family as they came in.

            On the guest list was my family plus goth girl left over from Halloween (my sister). Uncle Joe, and Aunt Stacey with cousins Louise and Katie. Louise is just a baby so I know she’d love the blender food. My other cousin, Katie, is about my age, I think she’s 7. My other uncle, Uncle Jay and his wife Aunt Elizabeth who my big sister was named after also came. They even brought my cousin Ash with them. My Uncle Jay and Aunt Elizabeth are the smartest folks in our family but for some strange reason Uncle Jay is quiet as a church mouse around Aunt Elizabeth. When you get Uncle Jay away from Aunt Elizabeth, look out, Uncle Jay will talk so much you can even get a word in edgewise, and forget trying to get away he won’t even let you escape. What’s that movie were the guys trying to escape from New York? O’ it’s Escape From New York with that snake guy I thing. I need to make a movie called Escape From Jay The Man Who Said to Much.

            The last to show up was Gramma Pat and Grandpa Bill, and like always Grandpa Bill was complaining to Gramma about being late like always. Grandma always responds with, “Ah, Shut up William, Put a Sock in It!”       

            We all sat down at a large table in the restaurant gathered together. Everyone tried to catch up on past news in the family that does not show up to the family gathering. We do have about every two to four years a large family reunion. Our waiter put out the chips and drinks and gets our food order. My little sister and my cousins we all had the Quesadillas with rice which in American means a grill chesse sandwich with rice. I wanted French fries but I guess France is just not close enough to Spain to make Spanish Fries. Something that really surprised me was the bags of rice stacked up pretty like at the front of the restaurant said in small print right at my eye level product of China. To think I can’t even get a lousy French Fry.

            As the family finished their food the restaurant was filling up. It made sense because Boothbay only had one Mexican restaurant. It’s popularity was due in part to the fact that most folks don’t want to eat Seafood 7 days a week let alone fish for it, and eat it every day. Plus Gramma Pat doesn’t like Sea Food, as Grandpa Bill says, “She doesn’t like anything that looks like food.”

            The restaurant, as it filled up, had gotten louder from everyone talking until they showed up. Four mean looking biker guys came in they had long beards almost as long as those ZZ Top guys my Dad likes to listen to on the radio. The biker guys sat down and after getting their drinks started right in the restaurant lighting up cigarettes and one of them even had a cigar. Like a Maine fog bank the smoke moving into our area.

            My mother said, “The weather today: smoky with a chance of annoyance 100%.” I could see my family did not like the smoke.

            Aunt Stacey informed everyone that she had to leave the table to take care of Little Louise’s accident. I asked my aunt if I could help because I knew that the restaurant had a family bathroom for taking care of babies.

            “Ok, Joey, if you like,” Aunt Stacey said.

            In the family room my aunt unwrapped Louise’s diaper. As soon as the air touched the diaper my nose was attacked. The smell hit the room like a bomb going off. Louise’s poop was so bad I was about to loose my dinner. My aunt asked me if I was ok. I looked at her and just nodded my head telling her I was ok. I felt that if I talked the poop toxins would enter into my mouth and I would get sick. My aunt rolled the diaper up and handed it to me. I held my breath, and walked out of the family room. Outside the bathroom I took a deep breath to get some air. I stood by the bathroom door, and looked towards the smoky fog bank that was still growing. I saw that no one had stepped up and taken action or even informed the smokers of right and wrong.

            It was time for me to step up. Someone had to save the citizens of Gotham from the evil smokers! I walked up to their table and stood looking at them. Fear ran though my veins because I was shaking like a wind chimes on the back porch. The biker dudes looked at me not smiling. One of them blew a large smoke cloud into the air. Then another asked me in a deep voice, “What do you want kid?”

            I swallowed my fear and slammed the dirty diaper on the table next to their chips and salsa. I then said, “Here’s some guacamole to go with your chips and cigars!” The diaper opened up like a flower and as I saw the green of Louise’s poop come in to view the smell hit the room at the same time. I walked away from the table while the biker dudes were trying to hold their noses and getting a grip on what was on the table. As I walked back to my table just about everyone in the restaurant clapped their hands and had a smile on their face. My Uncle Joe gave me a high five, and my other family members were laughing. My sister Elizabeth said, “Good job, shit head!”

            My mother on the other hand was the only one not laughing she looked at me like I had robbed a bank. My dad smiled at me and told me to sit down. Just as I sat down one of the biker dudes walked up to my table, and every one of my family became quiet. The man looked over every one at the table and said, “On behalf of my friends over there I would like to say that we are sorry for smoking while you folks were trying to eat. Most restaurants we stop at no one says anything. I guess it has to do with how we look.”

My Gramma Pat spoke up and said, “That’s ok, Sir. Just excuse my grandson he has a habit of keeping his fear in his pocket and his brain in the other.”

            “That’s alright we’re glad he stood up to us, and by the way my friends and I would like to buy your whole family dinner,” the man said.

            My father said, “Thank you, but that’s not necessary.”

            The man pushed on my father with kindness until he gave in and my Gramma told him to take the man’s kindness.