Guacamole

Our family goes out about once a week. Our whole family gathers about once every six months. On one of those six month gatherings we ended up at a Mexican restaurant. Mexican food was not my top choice I would have been happy with pizza, hamburgers, or chicken nuggets; everything a growing boy needs. Eating Mexican will just make me short. Also what’s up with Mexican food anyway you ask for beans and they look like someone put them in a blender. Hell, if you ask for meat it’s also blended up. If I was a baby still, I would love Mexican, it would beat eating vegetables that looked like tapioca pudding. My biggest pet peeve about Mexican food are the hot sauces they put on the food. My uncle Joe, who I’m named after, by the way, loves hot stuff. If there truly is a hell they are all setting around eating Mexican food, “Pass the refried beans, please.” Enough about my dislike of Mexican food. My family pulled in to Mexican Pete’s Restaurant. Mexican Pete’s looked like something crossed between a redneck with money and a Mexican that didn’t know what a peso was. Outside in the parking lot we waited and talked to family as they came in.

            On the guest list was my family plus goth girl left over from Halloween (my sister). Uncle Joe, and Aunt Stacey with cousins Louise and Katie. Louise is just a baby so I know she’d love the blender food. My other cousin, Katie, is about my age, I think she’s 7. My other uncle, Uncle Jay and his wife Aunt Elizabeth who my big sister was named after also came. They even brought my cousin Ash with them. My Uncle Jay and Aunt Elizabeth are the smartest folks in our family but for some strange reason Uncle Jay is quiet as a church mouse around Aunt Elizabeth. When you get Uncle Jay away from Aunt Elizabeth, look out, Uncle Jay will talk so much you can even get a word in edgewise, and forget trying to get away he won’t even let you escape. What’s that movie were the guys trying to escape from New York? O’ it’s Escape From New York with that snake guy I thing. I need to make a movie called Escape From Jay The Man Who Said to Much.

            The last to show up was Gramma Pat and Grandpa Bill, and like always Grandpa Bill was complaining to Gramma about being late like always. Grandma always responds with, “Ah, Shut up William, Put a Sock in It!”       

            We all sat down at a large table in the restaurant gathered together. Everyone tried to catch up on past news in the family that does not show up to the family gathering. We do have about every two to four years a large family reunion. Our waiter put out the chips and drinks and gets our food order. My little sister and my cousins we all had the Quesadillas with rice which in American means a grill chesse sandwich with rice. I wanted French fries but I guess France is just not close enough to Spain to make Spanish Fries. Something that really surprised me was the bags of rice stacked up pretty like at the front of the restaurant said in small print right at my eye level product of China. To think I can’t even get a lousy French Fry.

            As the family finished their food the restaurant was filling up. It made sense because Boothbay only had one Mexican restaurant. It’s popularity was due in part to the fact that most folks don’t want to eat Seafood 7 days a week let alone fish for it, and eat it every day. Plus Gramma Pat doesn’t like Sea Food, as Grandpa Bill says, “She doesn’t like anything that looks like food.”

            The restaurant, as it filled up, had gotten louder from everyone talking until they showed up. Four mean looking biker guys came in they had long beards almost as long as those ZZ Top guys my Dad likes to listen to on the radio. The biker guys sat down and after getting their drinks started right in the restaurant lighting up cigarettes and one of them even had a cigar. Like a Maine fog bank the smoke moving into our area.

            My mother said, “The weather today: smoky with a chance of annoyance 100%.” I could see my family did not like the smoke.

            Aunt Stacey informed everyone that she had to leave the table to take care of Little Louise’s accident. I asked my aunt if I could help because I knew that the restaurant had a family bathroom for taking care of babies.

            “Ok, Joey, if you like,” Aunt Stacey said.

            In the family room my aunt unwrapped Louise’s diaper. As soon as the air touched the diaper my nose was attacked. The smell hit the room like a bomb going off. Louise’s poop was so bad I was about to loose my dinner. My aunt asked me if I was ok. I looked at her and just nodded my head telling her I was ok. I felt that if I talked the poop toxins would enter into my mouth and I would get sick. My aunt rolled the diaper up and handed it to me. I held my breath, and walked out of the family room. Outside the bathroom I took a deep breath to get some air. I stood by the bathroom door, and looked towards the smoky fog bank that was still growing. I saw that no one had stepped up and taken action or even informed the smokers of right and wrong.

            It was time for me to step up. Someone had to save the citizens of Gotham from the evil smokers! I walked up to their table and stood looking at them. Fear ran though my veins because I was shaking like a wind chimes on the back porch. The biker dudes looked at me not smiling. One of them blew a large smoke cloud into the air. Then another asked me in a deep voice, “What do you want kid?”

            I swallowed my fear and slammed the dirty diaper on the table next to their chips and salsa. I then said, “Here’s some guacamole to go with your chips and cigars!” The diaper opened up like a flower and as I saw the green of Louise’s poop come in to view the smell hit the room at the same time. I walked away from the table while the biker dudes were trying to hold their noses and getting a grip on what was on the table. As I walked back to my table just about everyone in the restaurant clapped their hands and had a smile on their face. My Uncle Joe gave me a high five, and my other family members were laughing. My sister Elizabeth said, “Good job, shit head!”

            My mother on the other hand was the only one not laughing she looked at me like I had robbed a bank. My dad smiled at me and told me to sit down. Just as I sat down one of the biker dudes walked up to my table, and every one of my family became quiet. The man looked over every one at the table and said, “On behalf of my friends over there I would like to say that we are sorry for smoking while you folks were trying to eat. Most restaurants we stop at no one says anything. I guess it has to do with how we look.”

My Gramma Pat spoke up and said, “That’s ok, Sir. Just excuse my grandson he has a habit of keeping his fear in his pocket and his brain in the other.”

            “That’s alright we’re glad he stood up to us, and by the way my friends and I would like to buy your whole family dinner,” the man said.

            My father said, “Thank you, but that’s not necessary.”

            The man pushed on my father with kindness until he gave in and my Gramma told him to take the man’s kindness.