A Tire Problem

Dad, had some bad luck, he was driving to a job site, to pump out some poo. He was driving the big pump truck, when he found a large pimple on the side of one of the tires, Dad sat at a gas station for an hour, until TP (Tire Pro) showed up. About an hour later he was back on the road.

                When Dad got home, he complained to Mom about having to pay $600.00 for just one tire and a service call. He was so mad he wanted to use the bill as toilet paper.

What’s In the Paper Bag?

                I sat at the kitchen table eating my Captain Crunch and drinking a glass of milk. My mom and Dad look at me as being strange for not putting my milk in with the cereal.

            Dad walks into the kitchen with a brown paper bag in tow and puts it on the table. Mom says, “I see you went to the grocery store.”

            “That I did.”

            “So Dad, what’s in the bag,” I asked.

            “Nothing of much importance.”

            “So what is” not much importance?”

            “Why are you so fascinated with what’s in a simple paper bag?”

            “If the bag is of” not much importance then why do you not let me know what’s in it?” I asked.

            “Some things in a young boy’s life are better left not knowing.”

            “Not knowing? If I don’t ask questions, how will I learn?”

            “You can always learn, but keep in mind you don’t need to know everything while you are still young.”

            “What does being young have to do with what is in a paper bag?”

            “Trust me, you do not want to know what not much importance is in that bag at your young age.”

            “Dad, it’s not like there’s a monster in the bag,” I said as I smiled at him.

            “Joey, it’s not the fact that there is no monster. It’s what the item in the bag represents. When I was your age my father had a similar conversation like the one where having.”

            “Ok, go on,” I pushed.

            “You see, when I was a young boy, my mother asked my father to go to the store and pick something up. The item my mother asked him to pick up at the drug store at the time was always placed in a paper bag. When my father returned with said paper bag he gave it to my mother happily. I, like you, then asked what was in the paper bag. My father asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I informed him that I was sure. My father said, “Ok then,” and told me what was in the bag. My jaw hit the floor in shock after he told me what was in the bag. At that point I decided to save my own son the horror of knowing what was in the brown paper bag until he was of age.”

            “So I guess I’m not of age,” I said.

            “You got it kid.”

            Just then, my older sister Elizabeth, looking like the walking dead dressed in what she called Goth, came into the kitchen. I looked at her as if she was celebrating Halloween. Elizabeth walked up to the kitchen table and grabbed the bag and asked Dad, “Is this what I’ve been waiting for?”

            “Yes,” Dad said as he smiled at my sister.

            “Thanks for getting me my Tampons, Dad.”

            I smiled at Dad and asked, “Dad, what’s a tampon?”

            “Joey, just eat your cereal.”

The End of Jenny and Batman Having Tea and The Beginning of Batman goes Toy Shopping Part 2

 

Mrs. Alfred saves the day with the greatest words ever, “Ok kids lets go see Jeffery at the toy store.”

Batman with a stone smile says, “Holy popsicle sticks! I survived The Young Villain Lady’s plan to kill me with juice and cuteness thanks to Alfred.”

I put on my utility belt over my blue dress. I checked all the yellow compartments to make sure The Evil Young Lady did not take any of the Bat’s tools. Let’s see, I have the Bat mini light, Bat rope, Bat jacks, Bat marbles (can’t loose those), Bat tape gray, Bat pocket knife, Bat toilet paper (you never know), and Bat tweezers. From what I could see; I had everything.

“To the Bat van,” I said.

“It’s not a Bat van it’s a mini van, silly,” The Evil Young Lady said.

Batman just gave her a stone look as he tried to walk to the one exit out of The Villain’s Layer, but as Batman made two steps down he went.

“Ha, Ha! Funny looking, Brother, you tripped over the dress. You better not rip my dress or I’ll tell Mommy.” The Evil Young Lady said.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head,” I said.

Then as I tried to get up “O no! The Bat marbles!” And down I went again. Not even out the door, and already loosing my marbles.

“Ha, Ha! You fell again!”

It’s not easy being a superhero. I gathered up my marbles pulled up my dress and headed for the Bat van. The Bat van sat sadly out in front of Stein Manor House for all the city’s villains to see. The Bat van wouldn’t fit in the cave, because it was full. The Bat cave was a dumping ground for old furniture, clothing and the like. It was so bad Dad had a path to the garage door so if he needed to exit the cave in a timely manner.

Mom fired up the van and you could hear the engine squeal in anticipation.

“Darn belt! I keep forgetting to fix it. You kids strapped in and ready to go?,” Mom said.

The Little Villain Lady and myself put our thumbs up. We headed down the road in the Bat van. It looked more like something the Joker would laugh at and the Riddler would drive. The van was lime green and as you got closer to the bottom it changed to black. My mother never washed the van She looked at it as: Why wash something that will get dirty in just 5 minutes of driving on a Maine road?

The Sun darkened the front of the building as we pulled up, but you could see it in all it’s glory and color. The Toys-R-Us sign, big as day, and I had an even bigger smile. We entered the store, and of course we had to see everything, but the girly girl stuff. Mom made me go down the girly girl isles with Jenny, I hated that. I would rather get beat up on the playground than as a boy have to go down the girly girl aisles. However, there is one unholy place to a boy of any age; an aisle so dark and evil that if you say the name to another boy he could get an ear infection or some other illness, and might even die from it. For safety and the future of all boy kind we simply call the dark aisle “The Pink aisle.” Girls’ call it by its real name, it scares me to even tell you the name, The Barbie aisle. I was lucky this day, I saved myself from having to walk down that bright pink road, for if I did, and a boy found out, I would most likely never be touched again for I would have The Pink Plague.

Now onto a better and brighter aisle, The Action Figure aisle. Mind you, my Dad in all his wit and wisdom has always informed me that Action Figures are just dolls for boys. I have argued The Action Figure point with him and sometimes the whole family that he is wrong. I have also informed my Dad that I will obtain a lawyer and argue the case of Action Figure vs Dolls in a court of law. At this time I am still working on coming up with the capital to pay for said lawyer.

Before I headed down the Action Figure aisle Jenny yelled out, “Mommy, Mommy!”

“What is it Jenny?”

“I have a party in my pants, Mommy.”

Mom told me to stay in The Action Figure aisle and that she had to take my sister to the restroom. I nodded my head and entered the world of heroes and villains. No Barbies on this here aisle. All by myself drool rolling down the corner of my mouth I didn’t know what to pick up. Spiderman, Batman, Hulk, Superman, and more. I finally grabbed a Batman, and a Joker and just looked at them as I stood in the isle.

“Hey, freak boy!” a voice yelled out at me. I turned my head in the direction of the name calling. I saw a boy looked to be 10 years old and chunky with blond hair and freckles.

“Hey, I’m talking to you, you little freak. Who you supposed to be?”

“I M BATMAN!!”

“Ha, ha, ha,” The Kid said, as he started walking towards me.

“You’re not Batman your just some dumb little kid with a Batman mask and a blue dress on.”

I pulled up the bottom of my dress and showed the big stupid kid that I was Batman. I showed the kid that like all good super heroes I wear my underwear on the outside. My Underroos even had the Bat symbol on the front. DON’T WEARY LADIES, I HAD BLACK JEANS ON UNDER MY UNDERROOS.

“You’re a freak for wearing your underwear on the outside and even bigger freak for wearing a dress. Are your parents stupid or something?”

“I AM BATMAN, not a freak.”

The big kid looked at my hands and said, “What do you have in your hands.”

“Batman figures,” I said.

“Let me see, give them to me!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m bigger then you, and I said so!”

“That’s what my dad says sometimes and your not him, so NO!!”

The big kid reached over and grabs The Batman action figure out of my right hand. Batman became mad and gave the punk kid a look and said, “So you like to steal toys from little kids?”

“What did you say freak boy?” the big kid said looking puzzled.

Batman said one last thing “Are you feeling lucky punk?” and then I brought up my right leg and kicked the punk in the family jewels as hard as I could. My leg moved so fast that the bottom of my dress flew up and hit me in the face. The dress blocked my view so I couldn’t see if I had made contact. As my dress cleared my face, and started to lay back down a wall of spit came flying at my face. I took the edge of the dress on the arm sleeves, and wiped my face off. After opening my eyes I saw laying on the floor the punk kid in the fetal position holding himself and crying.

On the floor by the kid was the Batman action figure. I looked at The Action Figure and then throw the Joker figure I had in my other hand next to the kid and said, “Seeing that you wanted The Batman figure so bad you should take the Joker figure instead. You two have a lot in common.”

I approached the end of the aisle just as my mother and Jenny came back from the restroom. My mother asked if I had picked out a toy. I said, “No, let’s just go home we can come back another day.”

My mother looked down the aisle and saw the kid laying on the floor crying, and the two action figure beside him. Before we walked out of the store all my mother said to me was, “Are you ok?”

 

My reply was, “I am ok, Mrs. Alfred, just another day in Gotham City.”