Mrs. Alfred saves the day with the
greatest words ever, “Ok kids lets go see Jeffery at the toy store.”
Batman with a stone smile says, “Holy
popsicle sticks! I survived The Young Villain Lady’s plan to kill me with juice
and cuteness thanks to Alfred.”
I put on my utility belt over my
blue dress. I checked all the yellow compartments to make sure The Evil Young
Lady did not take any of the Bat’s tools. Let’s see, I have the Bat mini light,
Bat rope, Bat jacks, Bat marbles (can’t loose those), Bat tape gray, Bat pocket
knife, Bat toilet paper (you never know), and Bat tweezers. From what I could
see; I had everything.
“To the Bat van,” I said.
“It’s not a Bat van it’s a mini van,
silly,” The Evil Young Lady said.
Batman just gave her a stone look
as he tried to walk to the one exit out of The Villain’s Layer, but as Batman
made two steps down he went.
“Ha, Ha! Funny looking, Brother,
you tripped over the dress. You better not rip my dress or I’ll tell Mommy.”
The Evil Young Lady said.
“Don’t worry your pretty little
head,” I said.
Then as I tried to get up “O no!
The Bat marbles!” And down I went again. Not even out the door, and already loosing
my marbles.
“Ha, Ha! You fell again!”
It’s not easy being a superhero. I
gathered up my marbles pulled up my dress and headed for the Bat van. The Bat
van sat sadly out in front of Stein Manor House for all the city’s villains to
see. The Bat van wouldn’t fit in the cave, because it was full. The Bat cave
was a dumping ground for old furniture, clothing and the like. It was so bad Dad
had a path to the garage door so if he needed to exit the cave in a timely
manner.
Mom fired up the van and you could
hear the engine squeal in anticipation.
“Darn belt! I keep forgetting to
fix it. You kids strapped in and ready to go?,” Mom said.
The Little Villain Lady and myself
put our thumbs up. We headed down the road in the Bat van. It looked more like
something the Joker would laugh at and the Riddler would drive. The van was
lime green and as you got closer to the bottom it changed to black. My mother
never washed the van She looked at it as: Why wash something that will get
dirty in just 5 minutes of driving on a Maine road?
The Sun darkened the front of the
building as we pulled up, but you could see it in all it’s glory and color. The
Toys-R-Us sign, big as day, and I had an even bigger smile. We entered the
store, and of course we had to see everything, but the girly girl stuff. Mom
made me go down the girly girl isles with Jenny, I hated that. I would rather
get beat up on the playground than as a boy have to go down the girly girl aisles.
However, there is one unholy place to a boy of any age; an aisle so dark and
evil that if you say the name to another boy he could get an ear infection or
some other illness, and might even die from it. For safety and the future of
all boy kind we simply call the dark aisle “The Pink aisle.” Girls’ call it by its
real name, it scares me to even tell you the name, The Barbie aisle. I was
lucky this day, I saved myself from having to walk down that bright pink road,
for if I did, and a boy found out, I would most likely never be touched again
for I would have The Pink Plague.
Now onto a better and brighter aisle,
The Action Figure aisle. Mind you, my Dad in all his wit and wisdom has always
informed me that Action Figures are just dolls for boys. I have argued The
Action Figure point with him and sometimes the whole family that he is wrong. I
have also informed my Dad that I will obtain a lawyer and argue the case of
Action Figure vs Dolls in a court of law. At this time I am still working on
coming up with the capital to pay for said lawyer.
Before I headed down the Action
Figure aisle Jenny yelled out, “Mommy, Mommy!”
“What is it Jenny?”
“I have a party in my pants,
Mommy.”
Mom told me to stay in The Action
Figure aisle and that she had to take my sister to the restroom. I nodded my
head and entered the world of heroes and villains. No Barbies on this here aisle.
All by myself drool rolling down the corner of my mouth I didn’t know what to pick
up. Spiderman, Batman, Hulk, Superman, and more. I finally grabbed a Batman,
and a Joker and just looked at them as I stood in the isle.
“Hey, freak boy!” a voice yelled
out at me. I turned my head in the direction of the name calling. I saw a boy
looked to be 10 years old and chunky with blond hair and freckles.
“Hey, I’m talking to you, you
little freak. Who you supposed to be?”
“I M BATMAN!!”
“Ha, ha, ha,” The Kid said, as he
started walking towards me.
“You’re not Batman your just some
dumb little kid with a Batman mask and a blue dress on.”
I pulled up the bottom of my dress
and showed the big stupid kid that I was Batman. I showed the kid that like all
good super heroes I wear my underwear on the outside. My Underroos even had the
Bat symbol on the front. DON’T WEARY LADIES, I HAD BLACK JEANS ON UNDER MY
UNDERROOS.
“You’re a freak for wearing your
underwear on the outside and even bigger freak for wearing a dress. Are your
parents stupid or something?”
“I AM BATMAN, not a freak.”
The big kid looked at my hands and
said, “What do you have in your hands.”
“Batman figures,” I said.
“Let me see, give them to me!”
“Why?”
“Because I’m bigger then you, and I
said so!”
“That’s what my dad says sometimes
and your not him, so NO!!”
The big kid reached over and grabs
The Batman action figure out of my right hand. Batman became mad and gave the
punk kid a look and said, “So you like to steal toys from little kids?”
“What did you say freak boy?” the
big kid said looking puzzled.
Batman said one last thing “Are you
feeling lucky punk?” and then I brought up my right leg and kicked the punk in
the family jewels as hard as I could. My leg moved so fast that the bottom of
my dress flew up and hit me in the face. The dress blocked my view so I
couldn’t see if I had made contact. As my dress cleared my face, and started to
lay back down a wall of spit came flying at my face. I took the edge of the
dress on the arm sleeves, and wiped my face off. After opening my eyes I saw
laying on the floor the punk kid in the fetal position holding himself and
crying.
On the floor by the kid was the
Batman action figure. I looked at The Action Figure and then throw the Joker
figure I had in my other hand next to the kid and said, “Seeing that you wanted
The Batman figure so bad you should take the Joker figure instead. You two have
a lot in common.”
I approached the end of the aisle
just as my mother and Jenny came back from the restroom. My mother asked if I
had picked out a toy. I said, “No, let’s just go home we can come back another
day.”
My mother looked down the aisle and
saw the kid laying on the floor crying, and the two action figure beside him.
Before we walked out of the store all my mother said to me was, “Are you ok?”
My reply was, “I am ok, Mrs. Alfred,
just another day in Gotham City.”
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