Zombie Sister

                My sister Elizabeth is like every other Goth kid out there, a left over from Halloween. I have spoke of her from time to time, but I must express my struggle with her. Elizabeth is one that will not rise from the dead until 10:00am that’s the earliest she will rise. School days are another story. She walks the halls like a zombie, more like the bride of Frankenstein. You see she doesn't take off her white make up at night, she has black bed head hair, makes funny sounds like she’s constipated or something. Sounds like the bride of Frankenstein to me.

                It takes my sister one hour to get ready to go anywhere. On school days she has to wake up an hour ahead of time just to make it to school on time. Now let me explain my sister’s idea of what she calls Goth. After she puts on white make up and looks like a white Zombie, by the way I learned from my Dad that White Zombie was the name of a heavy metal band in the 80s, back to my sister, after the makeup she takes her Medusa hair do and make it strait as a 2x4. Her clothes look like they came from Goodwill and spent a week in Dads hamper. One day she came down for breakfast wearing a black T-shirt with a pink skull and cross bones, O’ and I forgot to mention she had on a long sleeve t-shirt and it was 75 outside. For pants she wore black cargo pants and lastly for shoes Doc Martin’s black boots which looked more like Dad’s construction boots painted black. Dad asked her, “Are you feeling OK?”

                “Yes, why do you ask?” Elizabeth said.

                “Just wondering, seeing that you’re wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and it’s 75 out. The weather man said it was going to be in the low 80s with no wind.”

                “So, I’ll be OK,” and she walked away.

                One morning my Dad asked me to wake up my sister because we were going on vacation. I went upstairs and pushed on her saying, “Wake up, sis!”

                Moans came from her mouth like a Zombie looking for food. “Come on, sis, get up we need to go,” as I pushed on her again.

                “Go away, shit head!”

                I went back down stairs and told Dad that she would not get up. Dad said, “Try harder, your mother and I need help in getting your sister out of bed.”

                “OK, I got it,” I said not liking what I was having to take care of. I went back upstairs to my sister’s room and with the help of my little sister, Jenny, we pulled all the sheets off of Elizabeth’s bed and she still didn't get up. Sis, just yelled, “Get out of here you little brats!”

                I looked at Jenny and said, “I have a plan.”

                Jenny said, “You better not do something that mommy and daddy won’t like.”

                “Don’t worry little sister, the only one that won’t like this plan is our sister.”

                I took a rope and tied one end around big sister’s feet and the other end of the rope around Jenny’s waist. I had Jenny stand on a chair so she could step over the banister.

                 Jenny looked at me a little scared and said, “I don’t know about this.”

                “Don’t worry, it will be OK. You’re only jumping four feet to the next level. Heck me and you do this all the time!”

                “Yeah, but this time you tied a rope to me with sis on the other end, “Jenny said. Obviously she was a little scared.

                ‘Don’t worry, just jump. Sis will be ok she’ll just land on all the pillows and blankets on the floor.”

                “OK, Joey, but you owe me one. You’re going to have to come to one of my tea parties.”

                “Ok, Ok, fine. Just jump!”

                “Alright!”

                Jenny jumped off the banister with the rope around her waist, Jenny hit the wall and was stopped in midair. Another two feet and she would have it to the floor. Jenny yelled out, “It didn't work!”

                “Hold on, I can fix this.”

                I ran down to the next level on the stairs where Jenny was and jumped up to grab on to her. I bear hugged her and held on tight. As soon as I grabbed her, the rope moved and Jenny and I fell to the floor, with Jenny landing on me with a thud she took the wind out of my lungs. At the same time we hit I heard a second thud and then.

                “Joey Stein, you little shit, I’m gonna get you!!!!”

                I got up and run like hell on fire, and looked back and saw my big sister right behind me. When I ran past dad I yelled out, “Elizabeth’s out of bed now, Dad.”

PUTTING THE SEAT DOWN

                In my house we have one bathroom but it’s big. The toilet sits in a room by itself in the bathroom. It’s like a closet for the toilet. Dad and I never close the door to the toilet closet. Dad tells Mom that he can’t turn around after he’s done because the closet’s too small. I don’t close the door because I’m too lazy to care. Mom, Elizabeth, and Jenny, they all close the door. I hate it when Mom closes the door because every time I need to ask her a question she’s in the bathroom and I have to talk to the bathroom door in order to talk to her. When Mom is in the bathroom she’s in there for a long time with her zombie phone or with a book. Mom calls the toilet closet the library. I just don’t know why because there are no book shelves with books on them in the bathroom.

                Mom, Elizabeth and Jenny battle every day with dad and me because we always forget to put the seat down. One night Mom got up about two in the morning to use the bathroom (Dad was the last one in the bathroom before Mom). She sat down in the dark to use the bathroom and forgot to check to see if Dad put down the seat. Mom yelled out Dad’s full name and even spoke a little French. Mom’s yelling woke up the whole house and everyone ran to the bathroom thinking something was wrong with her. For one hour Mom and Dad were talking, more like yelling back and forth about the toilet seat being up or down. My sister, Elizabeth, yelled a number of times, “Will you two shut up and go to sleep?”

                I would yell out after that, “Thanks, Sis.”

                Mom or Dad would chime in, “You kids need to go to sleep, don’t worry about what your parents are doing.”

                Elizabeth would fire back, “Well, we would sleep if you two would stop arguing about a stupid toilet seat.”

                Morning came, Mom didn't say a word to Dad, I think she was still mad at him. Breakfast was like silent lunch at school for everyone was still sleepy from being kept awake part of the night. After breakfast, dad left the house for work. About two hours passed and while I was playing in my room, I heard a beeping sound, like one of Dad’s trucks backing up. I ran to the Kitchen and looked out on the deck and saw Dad offloading a Poor a John on to our deck.

                “Joey, get out here and help!” Dad yelled.

                We placed the Poor a John on the deck and up against the house. I asked Dad, “Why do we have a Poor a John on the deck? Are we setting up a homeless shelter?”

                Dad answered back, “No, and it’s not a Poor a John, it’s a Port a John. This is going to be our new bathroom, the men’s room.” 

                “What about the winter time? It will be too cold to use?”

                “Just grin and bear it, kid.”

                Dad went into the house and informed Mom what he had done. Mom said, “So now when I sit out on the deck I have to look at one of your shitters.”

                “Well, look at it this way, honey, at least your ass won’t fall into the toilet during the night, “Dad shot back as he smiled.

Batman meets Frozen

            Gotham was quiet, on the edge of the park. I, Batman enjoyed a hot dog from Joe’s Hot Cart on the edge of the park. Joe made a good dog, because his dog’s were red while everyone else’s were brown. As I stood on the edge of a building waiting for the sun to go down over Gotham, I spotted a little girl. The girl was skipping down the side walk along the park. She was dressed in blue with blonde hair. When the little girl got closer, I heard her singing, “I’m going to see Frozen, I’m going to see Frozen, I’m go to see Frozen, on Ice.”

            “What in the blue blazes? Frozen on Ice?” I muttered with a questionable look.

            “Joey, finish your lunch. We’re going out,” mom yelled.

            “Where we going?” I asked as I pulled up my utility belt.

            “We’re going to see Frozen silly,” Jenny almost yelled barely able to contain her excitement about going.

            “Frozen? Frozen what?”

            Mom leaned down to explain, “Joey, we’re all going to see Disney’s Frozen on Ice at the Portland Civic Center, so we need to get going.”

            “Do I have to change into mild mannered Joey Stein or can I still be The Batman?” I asked hopping I could hide myself behind the mask.

            “That’s fine Joey,” Mom said.

            We arrived at the Civic Center in the Bat van, Mom, Jenny in her blue princes dress, and me, Batman. As we got closer to the entrance I saw multiples of Jenny a sea of, blue dressed girls. It was scary, I stopped counting blue dresses at about 50. While my family stood in line waiting to get in, a little girl, younger than my sister, pulls on my cap.

            “I’m Elsa, the Ice Princess. Who are you supposed to be?”

            I looked down at the cool aid faced little girl and said, “I’m Batman.”

            “Okkkkkk, but Batman’s not in Frozen?”

            “Can you keep a secret, little princess?” I asked.

            The little girl knotted her head really fast. “I’m here to find the Iceman and bring him to justice.”

            “Who’s the Iceman?”

            “The Iceman makes everything cold and he likes to hang out in cold places like an ice show,” I said with a smile.

            “Ooooooooooo, ok,” The little girl turns around and looks at her mother and says, “Mom! Mom, the bat kid in front of me told me a secret. He said he was looking for some Icemen or was it ice cream?”

            We came up to the ticket person and they said, “Sorry ma’am, you have blue ice tickets which means you need to have princess dresses to get the discounted seats. My mother looked at the man taking tickets and said, “But, he’s a boy and not a girl!”

            “Sorry lady, I don’t make the rules, the Batboy here.” Pointing at me, “He’s going to have to have a dress or you won’t go in with the bat.”

            I was beyond insulted. I told the ticket guy, “He buddy, I’m Batman, not Batboy!”

            “Mommy, we can’t miss the show. You told me we were going to see Frozen,” Jenny piped up.

            The ticket man said, “Look lady, over by the entrance is a merchant’s booth with dresses and other items that you might find that will help. You may even find a dress that will fit The Batman here.”

            “That’s right, buddy you got it,” I said. My mother leaned down to meet me eye to eye and said, “Joey…. I need a favor from you.”

            “Mom, you already asked me to wear a dress once already,” I said.

            “Look Joey, do it for your little sister you know how much she likes Frozen.” Mom asked.

            “But, Mom!!!”

            “You know something, if Batman was asked to help out a little girl he would do it.”

            I looked at Mom in the face and said, “Why did you have to say that, now I’m going to have to wear the dress.”

            “Sorry.. Joey.”

            “I have some conditions Mom.”

            “Tell me, what are they?”

            “1^st I’m not taking off my mask and second I get to pick out my own dress.”

            “OK batman, you’re a good brother and an even better son.”

            “Thanks, Mom.”

            Even though I got a lot of strange looks as the Batman in a blue dress, I found that the Frozen show was pretty good. Also, my little sister told me I was the greatest brother and she gave me a long hug. Then she really made Batman’s day with her comment that I looked nice in a blue dress. 

Leprechaun Trap

            In kindergarten you get to draw, play, make stuff and have someone read to you. We learn how to clean up; I hate to clean up. One day Miss. P. pulled out some boxes that were mostly green with sparkly things. Miss P. said, “Now class these are Leprechaun traps. Does anyone know what a Leprechaun is?”

            Little Miss Katie Manfield put her hand up and said, “O me, me!!”

            “Go ahead Katie,” Miss. P. said.

            “A Leprechaun is a little green man that likes money,” Katie said.

            “That’s right Katie, a Leprechaun is a little man that likes money. Also, a Leprechaun is a type of fairy that comes from Irish stories. Besides collecting money, he also likes to cause mischief and he is always dressed in green,” Miss P. explained. What Miss. P. said sounded a lot like one of my great uncles that my Dad talks about. He always says that he acts like a little fairy. By the way, he likes wearing green, because I always see him in something green.

            “Now class, I have in front of me some Leprechaun traps here today.  Take a look at what you might like,” Miss. P. said.

I looked over the traps spread across the table and saw some strange traps, but they were so small. There were some box traps, hat traps and all of them had something gold. I looked at Miss. P. and asked, “If a Leprechaun is as small as us then how will the Leprechaun fit into these little traps.”

            Miss. P. informed us, “Leprechauns can make themselves smaller, in order to not be seen getting gold. They can fit into the smallest of spaces! Why do you think no one ever sees one? ”

            I took home that information Miss. P. told us about Leprechauns. I had one week to make a trap and figure out how to catch a Leprechaun. A week passed and the teacher, Miss. P. told everyone to put their projects on the back tables and we would look at them, one by one. Miss P. looked over the projects and then looked at me and said, “Joey, I’m puzzled where is your Leprechaun project.”

            “Sorry Miss P. my project was damaged after I caught a Leprechaun. I have everything on video,” I said holding up a flash drive.

            Miss P. looked to be taken by surprise and asked me, “OK, Joey, let’s put your video on the smart board and see your Leprechaun.”

            Miss P. opened up the video for the class to see. It opened with me narrating.

            “Ok, folks, as you can see I have a small animal trap that grabs the leg when you step on the button like this.” In the video I pushed the button and the two metal arms come up to make a snapping sound, like an alligator’s mouth. The whole class jump in their seats and Miss P. looks at me.

            “Now folks, I have laid the trap on the floor, so the Leprechaun doesn't see it, I am covering it with a small carpet. Alright, seeing that I have no gold, I am going to use Mom’s purse as bait.” A minute goes by and then a noise on the video. “Shh, we need to be quiet, here comes the Leprechaun.” A short little man comes into the room dressed all in a green suit with a green hat, around on top of his head. He had a beard that’s all white, but no mustache and he walked like a weeble wobble toward Mom’s purse. “Watch this folks, see the Leprechaun he’s looking around to see if anyone is looking before he looks in the purse.” The Leprechaun picked up the purse after looking around, opened it pulled out Mom’s wallet and then pulls out $200.00 and sticks it in his back pocket. My class was shocked and so was Miss P.

            “Alright kids, here it comes.” The Leprechaun took one step to walk forward, and then SNAP!!! The trap got his leg along with the carpet that was covering it. The Leprechaun fell back and Mom’s purse went flying; I never in my life knew that my mom could get so much stuff in to one purse. The Leprechaun started yelling, “WHAT THE #@!!!?, G-HAW#!@%!!”

            Miss P. shouted, “Class, cover your ears,” as she scrambled to mute the sound on the video.

            Thanks to me, my Mom and Dad found out that Uncle Mickey was taking money from them. My big sister, Elizabeth, was happy also because Mom and Dad had been pointing fingers at her for the missing money. Uncle Mickey, aka The Leprechaun, wasn't so happy because I gave him a broken leg with my trap and Mom and Dad got him put in jail for a time and what about Miss P.? Well, she was somewhere in the middle, not happy with me, but not mad. She did give me a “D” on my Leprechaun Trap with the stern warning to never do a project like that again during my time at John F. Kennedy Elementary.  

Phone Zombies

       
    The day started like any other, Mom made breakfast. As Jenny and I sat eating our breakfast Mom slowly pulled out her cell phone and started looking at it. Mom had one of those smart phones that could go online and do half a dozen other things. The phone was one of those deals Dad got, I think like a buy one get one free thing.

                At one point, I needed some more juice, so I asked Mom, “Mom, I need some more Juice.”

                Mom said, “OK, just one minute.” She never looked up.

 Two minutes went by and again I asked, “Mom, it’s been two minutes, I need some juice over here!”

Mom still looking at her phone said, “OK” and still didn't move or take her eye off the phone.

Jenny asked, “What’s wrong with Mommy?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a questionable look.

Just then Dad came down and he was looking at his phone. “Hey, Dad can you help me, I need some more juice and Mom’s not responding. I think she’s glued to that phone you got her.”

Dad didn't even look up from his phone and said, “OK, I've got to go to work.” And Dad walk out the door.

Jenny looked at me and I look at her and she said, “What is going on, Joey?”

“I don’t know, Jenny?”

Just after Dad walked out the door, Elizabeth, my big sister came down with her phone in hand.

“Hey, Sis, can you get me some more juice,” I asked hoping she would help me out.

“Sure, look in the refrigerator,” she said not even looking up from her phone. I hit my head with my right hand and thought what a kid has to do to get a glass of juice. The front door slams shut and I looked over at where Mom was sitting and she was gone.  My big sister was gone to. I looked at my little sister and said, “Where home alone, O’ no!!!”

All my little sister did was scream. After about an hour of blood curdling screaming she stopped. I made us PB and J sandwiches for lunch. By late afternoon the Phone zombies showed up still glued to their phones. Jenny and I were fed dinner. It wasn't pretty. Night fell upon the house and everyone was in bed. That night I rounded up all the cell phones and dumped them in the toilet. To make sure they wouldn't use the phone again I sat down on the toilet and released the Kraken upon them. I even left the toilet seat up while the whole soupy mess stewed overnight.    

Come morning, I got my point across and Dad had to buy new phones for everyone.   

Stupid in the City

            Our family rarely makes trips to Portland. It’s a bit of a drive from what Mom says. With that said, when the opportunity popped up, I jumped at going to Portland. Dad had to pick up some stuff, from one of his suppliers. Dad and I headed out in the morning, and he informed me that he would take me around the big city. Portland wasn't really a big city, it was just the biggest town in the State of Maine.

            The two of us arrived in Portland about 9:00am, Dad informed me that we had to pick up some septic pump parts at Blowin Septic pumps before we could tour the city. It took dad about an hour at the pump store. Sales people; they love to talk. I guess when they are at home, their wives don’t let them talk a lot, so they make up for it at work. When my dad was finally done, I shook out the ants in my pants, and we headed down town to visit a number of shops. We even had lobster rolls for lunch.

            As we head down Commercial Street we started hearing a loud noise. Boom, boom, boom. It was getting louder, and coming from the street which was packed full of cars. I then heard someone singing, “Yo gonna beat that bitch with a bat, yo gonna beat that bitch with a bat.” When my dad heard the words he whipped his head around so fast I thought it was going to fall off. My dad and I figured out where the music and those bad lyrics were coming from. Down the Street came a Mercedes convertible with the top down. Behind the wheel was a white guy in a suit and tie; he looked like the banker type. I knew the words bat and beat, but I didn’t know what bitch meant.

            I looked up at my dad and asked, “What’s a bitch?”

            My dad answered my question almost like he knew I was going to ask it and said, “A bitch is a female dog.” 

            I then asked, “So why would someone want to make a song about beating a female dog, let alone listen to it?”

            “Son, he doesn’t want to beat his dog he’s just mad at his wife because she divorced him,” my dad said with a straight face.

            “Dad what’s a divorce?”

            “Forget I said it. Let’s go get some ice cream.”

What’s In the Paper Bag?

                I sat at the kitchen table eating my Captain Crunch and drinking a glass of milk. My mom and Dad look at me as being strange for not putting my milk in with the cereal.

            Dad walks into the kitchen with a brown paper bag in tow and puts it on the table. Mom says, “I see you went to the grocery store.”

            “That I did.”

            “So Dad, what’s in the bag,” I asked.

            “Nothing of much importance.”

            “So what is” not much importance?”

            “Why are you so fascinated with what’s in a simple paper bag?”

            “If the bag is of” not much importance then why do you not let me know what’s in it?” I asked.

            “Some things in a young boy’s life are better left not knowing.”

            “Not knowing? If I don’t ask questions, how will I learn?”

            “You can always learn, but keep in mind you don’t need to know everything while you are still young.”

            “What does being young have to do with what is in a paper bag?”

            “Trust me, you do not want to know what not much importance is in that bag at your young age.”

            “Dad, it’s not like there’s a monster in the bag,” I said as I smiled at him.

            “Joey, it’s not the fact that there is no monster. It’s what the item in the bag represents. When I was your age my father had a similar conversation like the one where having.”

            “Ok, go on,” I pushed.

            “You see, when I was a young boy, my mother asked my father to go to the store and pick something up. The item my mother asked him to pick up at the drug store at the time was always placed in a paper bag. When my father returned with said paper bag he gave it to my mother happily. I, like you, then asked what was in the paper bag. My father asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I informed him that I was sure. My father said, “Ok then,” and told me what was in the bag. My jaw hit the floor in shock after he told me what was in the bag. At that point I decided to save my own son the horror of knowing what was in the brown paper bag until he was of age.”

            “So I guess I’m not of age,” I said.

            “You got it kid.”

            Just then, my older sister Elizabeth, looking like the walking dead dressed in what she called Goth, came into the kitchen. I looked at her as if she was celebrating Halloween. Elizabeth walked up to the kitchen table and grabbed the bag and asked Dad, “Is this what I’ve been waiting for?”

            “Yes,” Dad said as he smiled at my sister.

            “Thanks for getting me my Tampons, Dad.”

            I smiled at Dad and asked, “Dad, what’s a tampon?”

            “Joey, just eat your cereal.”

The End of Jenny and Batman Having Tea and The Beginning of Batman goes Toy Shopping Part 2

 

Mrs. Alfred saves the day with the greatest words ever, “Ok kids lets go see Jeffery at the toy store.”

Batman with a stone smile says, “Holy popsicle sticks! I survived The Young Villain Lady’s plan to kill me with juice and cuteness thanks to Alfred.”

I put on my utility belt over my blue dress. I checked all the yellow compartments to make sure The Evil Young Lady did not take any of the Bat’s tools. Let’s see, I have the Bat mini light, Bat rope, Bat jacks, Bat marbles (can’t loose those), Bat tape gray, Bat pocket knife, Bat toilet paper (you never know), and Bat tweezers. From what I could see; I had everything.

“To the Bat van,” I said.

“It’s not a Bat van it’s a mini van, silly,” The Evil Young Lady said.

Batman just gave her a stone look as he tried to walk to the one exit out of The Villain’s Layer, but as Batman made two steps down he went.

“Ha, Ha! Funny looking, Brother, you tripped over the dress. You better not rip my dress or I’ll tell Mommy.” The Evil Young Lady said.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head,” I said.

Then as I tried to get up “O no! The Bat marbles!” And down I went again. Not even out the door, and already loosing my marbles.

“Ha, Ha! You fell again!”

It’s not easy being a superhero. I gathered up my marbles pulled up my dress and headed for the Bat van. The Bat van sat sadly out in front of Stein Manor House for all the city’s villains to see. The Bat van wouldn’t fit in the cave, because it was full. The Bat cave was a dumping ground for old furniture, clothing and the like. It was so bad Dad had a path to the garage door so if he needed to exit the cave in a timely manner.

Mom fired up the van and you could hear the engine squeal in anticipation.

“Darn belt! I keep forgetting to fix it. You kids strapped in and ready to go?,” Mom said.

The Little Villain Lady and myself put our thumbs up. We headed down the road in the Bat van. It looked more like something the Joker would laugh at and the Riddler would drive. The van was lime green and as you got closer to the bottom it changed to black. My mother never washed the van She looked at it as: Why wash something that will get dirty in just 5 minutes of driving on a Maine road?

The Sun darkened the front of the building as we pulled up, but you could see it in all it’s glory and color. The Toys-R-Us sign, big as day, and I had an even bigger smile. We entered the store, and of course we had to see everything, but the girly girl stuff. Mom made me go down the girly girl isles with Jenny, I hated that. I would rather get beat up on the playground than as a boy have to go down the girly girl aisles. However, there is one unholy place to a boy of any age; an aisle so dark and evil that if you say the name to another boy he could get an ear infection or some other illness, and might even die from it. For safety and the future of all boy kind we simply call the dark aisle “The Pink aisle.” Girls’ call it by its real name, it scares me to even tell you the name, The Barbie aisle. I was lucky this day, I saved myself from having to walk down that bright pink road, for if I did, and a boy found out, I would most likely never be touched again for I would have The Pink Plague.

Now onto a better and brighter aisle, The Action Figure aisle. Mind you, my Dad in all his wit and wisdom has always informed me that Action Figures are just dolls for boys. I have argued The Action Figure point with him and sometimes the whole family that he is wrong. I have also informed my Dad that I will obtain a lawyer and argue the case of Action Figure vs Dolls in a court of law. At this time I am still working on coming up with the capital to pay for said lawyer.

Before I headed down the Action Figure aisle Jenny yelled out, “Mommy, Mommy!”

“What is it Jenny?”

“I have a party in my pants, Mommy.”

Mom told me to stay in The Action Figure aisle and that she had to take my sister to the restroom. I nodded my head and entered the world of heroes and villains. No Barbies on this here aisle. All by myself drool rolling down the corner of my mouth I didn’t know what to pick up. Spiderman, Batman, Hulk, Superman, and more. I finally grabbed a Batman, and a Joker and just looked at them as I stood in the isle.

“Hey, freak boy!” a voice yelled out at me. I turned my head in the direction of the name calling. I saw a boy looked to be 10 years old and chunky with blond hair and freckles.

“Hey, I’m talking to you, you little freak. Who you supposed to be?”

“I M BATMAN!!”

“Ha, ha, ha,” The Kid said, as he started walking towards me.

“You’re not Batman your just some dumb little kid with a Batman mask and a blue dress on.”

I pulled up the bottom of my dress and showed the big stupid kid that I was Batman. I showed the kid that like all good super heroes I wear my underwear on the outside. My Underroos even had the Bat symbol on the front. DON’T WEARY LADIES, I HAD BLACK JEANS ON UNDER MY UNDERROOS.

“You’re a freak for wearing your underwear on the outside and even bigger freak for wearing a dress. Are your parents stupid or something?”

“I AM BATMAN, not a freak.”

The big kid looked at my hands and said, “What do you have in your hands.”

“Batman figures,” I said.

“Let me see, give them to me!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m bigger then you, and I said so!”

“That’s what my dad says sometimes and your not him, so NO!!”

The big kid reached over and grabs The Batman action figure out of my right hand. Batman became mad and gave the punk kid a look and said, “So you like to steal toys from little kids?”

“What did you say freak boy?” the big kid said looking puzzled.

Batman said one last thing “Are you feeling lucky punk?” and then I brought up my right leg and kicked the punk in the family jewels as hard as I could. My leg moved so fast that the bottom of my dress flew up and hit me in the face. The dress blocked my view so I couldn’t see if I had made contact. As my dress cleared my face, and started to lay back down a wall of spit came flying at my face. I took the edge of the dress on the arm sleeves, and wiped my face off. After opening my eyes I saw laying on the floor the punk kid in the fetal position holding himself and crying.

On the floor by the kid was the Batman action figure. I looked at The Action Figure and then throw the Joker figure I had in my other hand next to the kid and said, “Seeing that you wanted The Batman figure so bad you should take the Joker figure instead. You two have a lot in common.”

I approached the end of the aisle just as my mother and Jenny came back from the restroom. My mother asked if I had picked out a toy. I said, “No, let’s just go home we can come back another day.”

My mother looked down the aisle and saw the kid laying on the floor crying, and the two action figure beside him. Before we walked out of the store all my mother said to me was, “Are you ok?”

 

My reply was, “I am ok, Mrs. Alfred, just another day in Gotham City.”

Jenny and Batman Have Tea Part 1

                “This city is full of bad guys. Good thing I am Batman. From a top this building I can look upon Gotham City.”

                “Joey, get off the chair! How many times have I told you not to stand on the chairs?!” My mother yelled as she killed the hopes and dreams of Batman.

                I said in my defense, “But, Mom, I am Batman!”

                “I’ll give you Batman right across those Underroos,” was her unappreciative remark.  I shot my mother a Bat-like look through the Bat mask, opened my cape widely, and jumped off the side of the building landing safely on the streets of Gotham. Behind me I heard the sound of a Young Lady in distress.

                “Hey, Joey, you want to have tea time with me and my friends?” the Young Lady asked. I looked at the Young Lady and said, “I am not, Joey; I am Batman, and Batman does not do what you call Tea Time.”

                “Mommy, Joey won’t play with me,” the Young, now-annoying-Lady said to the Lady-that- brought-me-into-the-world.

                “Joey, you need to play with your sister,” that Lady said.

                The narrator interjects some fact filled information, “Folks, looks like Batman is in a real pickle. He just might be jarred and put on the shelf by the evil villains: The Lady and her side kick Young Lady. What will Batman do next?”

                “But, Ma, I!”

                “Joey, don’t but me!”

                “Batman does not do Tea time or tea parties.” Batman said.

                “JOEY!!”

                “Ok, Ok, I’ll tell Batman we have to do Tea.” I said.

                “He has to wear a dress to my tea party,” The Young Lady said. Batman gave the two ladies a look of shock and horror and said, “Say what?! Batman is too manly to wear a dress.”

                The Lady informed me, “Joey, Cupcake, I’ll tell you what, if you wear the dress and play tea time with your sister, later I’ll take you to the toy store.”

                “He has to wear the blue one and also wear it to the store. We can be Princesses together,” The Young Villain Lady said.

                “Joey, make your sister happy and I will get you something nice,” The Lady said.

                “Can I wear my suit under the dress?” I asked.

                “Batman can wear his suit under the dress. Now go play,” The Lady said.

                It felt cold in the Villains Layer, even heartless. Batman sat at the table dressed in an ugly blue dress. The only redeeming part about this awful contraption was that the color of the dress worked well with Batman’s costume. Batman had jokers to the right and jokers to the left. On the right a brown happy little bear with permanent a grin named Fossie bear who just says “Waka, Waka”. To the left was a white horse with a horn sticking out of its head. The horse just looked at me and commented, “What’s your problem? You never seen a white unicorn with purple hair before?” The other Guests at the table were two other bears and a pig. All I could think was Holy-Grape-Jelly, Batman! Were in a jam and we don’t even have any peanut butter!

                “Would you like some more tea, Mr. Batman?” the Young lady asked.

                ‘No thanks, but I will take two pieces of bread so I can click them together and say, “There’s no place like Gotham. There’s no place like Gotham City.”  

               

               

 

 

JOEY'S RAVEN

Once upon a midnight dreary,

In a bleak December,

I pondered weak and weary.

While I napped in my bed chamber I heard a gentle rapping.

A rapping from my chamber door,

Or a rapping on my window pain.

No wait, could the rapping be my closet door?

I waited once more to hear the rapping at the closet door.

I look once more for my baby bear upon my chest.

Deep into the darkness peering,

Long I stared like a deer in head lights wondering, fearing, even doubting.

Silence broken rapping growing ever louder.

Only light upon my chamber shone from yonder window panes across my chamber floor.

Sound of tapping could it be my closet door?

Could it even be a monster?

A monster lurking in my closet

Behind my closet door in my bed chamber rapping and tapping at the door.

All my soul within me burning, burning with fear for the monster

Lurking behind my closet door.

Wait, I heard a whisper,

Not a rapping, not a tapping,

Not a word coming from my closet door.

Once again a whisper and now it comes from my chamber window.

I sprang out of bed to the window sill

I threw open the curtain,

And to my surprise an ebony bird,

A RAVEN rapping, tapping and whispering words upon my window.

Was not a monster in my chamber closet,

But a dirty fowl upon my window sill.

Nether friend nor foe

I tried to shoo the evil bird from my window sill.

I tried to shoo the fowl upon my sill away to only hear it say’ “Never”

I motioned once more by tapping on the window pain,

Tapping as hard as it is tempered,

But still the black upon my window sill cries out “Never.”

I ran down the stairs after exiting my chamber,

Pulled open the door to the outside.

The horror, the fantastic terrors of the night.

I stepped into darkness and ran to the window outside.

I looked to the heavens and saw upon my chamber window sill the ebony foul,

The RAVEN looking not at me, but down at me.

 It, the Raven, smiled with the grave and stern decorum of countenance it wore.

 I looked upon the ground to see what I could find in the night

 a rock or stick that was once part of a branch part of a tree.

Ah, I found it, a stick as hard as hickory, and as strong as hard

As I could I throw that stick of hickory at that black beast.

The window broken, the RAVEN broke flight without even a word,

 Without even a rap or a tap. 

No word from the bird, but I said a word, “Never”

I ran back to the house back to my bed chamber.

I looked upon my window pain, broken.

I looked upon my chamber floor and saw the pieces of my window pain.

In the shadows of my chamber floor the stick of hickory.

I wiped my eyes and, then yelled, “Ma, a tree branch fell and broke my window!!”

Day Out With Nurse Mommy part 2

 

                Mommy walked off and The Lady from the desk looked at me and smiled as she turned the “open” sign over. In about an hour, the waiting room started to fill up. An old guy sat down beside me he asked, “What are you here for?” “I am here because I have trouble going to the bathroom and a little problem with my flow.”  I said, “I don’t have a problem going; I have a problem with flushing. My Daddy says I have big poops that won’t flush, and he sometimes has to do what he calls ‘snaking the drain’. My mommy says, “Good thing your Daddy owns a septic company, son; it’s because of you that we’re going to have to clean out the septic tank a lot sooner than most people.”

                The old guy says, “I see young man, luckily, I don’t have that problem.” A nurse opened the door to the back, and called out, “Mr. Peterson.”

                “Well kid, see you later. That’s me she’s calling,” The old guy, Mr. Peterson, said. After about 30 minutes the old guy Mr. Peterson comes out, and behind him was one of the Docs telling him over, and over that he was sorry. I was confused, because the old guy was walking like one of those guys in old west movies that just got off a horse after a long ride. Mr. Peterson looked at me while the Doc asked him, “Would you like me to subscribe some pain medication?”

                In a soft raspy voice Mr. Peterson said, ‘No. That’s ok. I’ll be fine.” Mr. Peterson looked at me, and smiled as he made his way to the door. Just seeing him walk the way we did scarred me. I asked The Lady at the desk if I could go to the back and visit my mother. The Lady gladly buzzed me in to the back. The door closed behind me with a click and all I could see was a long hallway with doors while my little ears picked up the sound of moans and groans. Over the intercom I heard, “Mrs. Stein, to room 12,” and then saw my mother at the far end of the hall come out of one hallway and it looked like then go into a room.

                I yelled, “Mommy,” but she didn’t hear me. So I slowly walked up to the room she was in. I was a little scared still. I could even hear my heart going bump, bump, bump. The door to room 12 was cracked just a little and I could smell a strange odor coming from the room kind of like the smell after Mommy had cleaned the bathroom, but different. I peered into the room looking through the partly opened door, and my heart started bump, bump, bumping even faster. I saw my Mother in the room with a doctor and a guy laying on a table.

                The doctor says, “Sir, this might hurt for a bit at first.” The man on the table said, “Please be gentle.”

                The doctor looked at my Mother and says, “The device, please.”

                My Mother nodded and unwrapped a long silver thing that looked like a snake with a large eye on one end. The Doctor took the long silver snake from my Mother and said, “Here we go.” He pulled a towel away from the man’s waist. The man yelled out in pain as the doctor grabbed his penne and started shoving the silver snake in to his pee-pee hole. Then put my hand over my mouth and started backing up, when it happened.

 I bumped into a nurse that was carrying a container of yellow stuff. The container went flying through the air, hit me in the head, and the yellow stuff started sliding down the back of my head. Funny thing is, as I stood in the hallway like a wet deer caught in the head lights, I could smell the odor of pee-pee. Could the yellow liquid, be the cause of the foul smell? The nurse I bumped in to asked, “Are you alright sweetie?”  Just then, my Mother came out of room 12 and saw me standing in the hallway. My mother shook her head and looked at me and just said, “Joey!” She grabbed me by the arm and took me to a bathroom to clean me up. She gave me a towel and told me to dry off my head, and left me in the bathroom for a couple of minutes. When she came back she told me that I was to go back to the waiting room and wait for my father to come and pick me up. I just nodded my head not saying a word still. In the waiting room, 30 minutes passed by and dad finally showed up.   He helped me pick up my stuff and we headed out the door. On the drive back home he asked, “What happened?”

                I looked at him and said, “Look, Dad, you can’t go to the Urologist anymore.”

                “What do you mean??”

                “You remember all those alien movies we saw? Especially the parts where they were doing weird things to people and cows,” I said.

                “Ya, I remember.”

                “Well, I saw a doctor probing the ‘you know where’ area on a guy and Mommy was in the room with him. Those Urology doctors are Aliens!  I don’t think they’re even human,” I said.  My dad answers with, “You don’t say.”

                “And you know what the sad part is.”

                “What’s that son?”

                “If we go in there and kill the aliens Mommy will be out of a job,” I ended with.

                “All Dad said was, “Your right about that.”

Out With Nurse Mommy

          It was a Friday, and another day off from school and this time I had to go to work with Mom. Mom worked at the local doctor’s office, and worked under Dr. Pornstake. The Doc was a Urologist which I didn’t really know what a Urologist was, but I know my Daddy did not like going to see one. My Mother put me in the waiting room with some coloring books, and crayons. Mom also told me I could play with the toys in the corner that were there. She informed me that she needed to change in to her nurse’s outfit. Ten minutes went by, and Mom came back to see me and she was wearing green pajamas.

            “Mommy, why are you not wearing your nurse’s outfit?” I asked.

            “Cupcake, this is my nurse’s outfit,” she said. Mom always liked to call me cupcake.

            “No, I mean the other one.”

            “You mean the other green one?” she asked.

            I then said, “NO, silly Mommy, the white one.”

            “Joey, sweetie, I don’t own a white nurse’s outfit.  I just have green ones like the one I am wearing,” and she pointed to her outfit she had on.

            “Mommy, look, last week you had on a white nurses outfit with a small hat that had that red plus sign on it. You did not have pajama bottoms like those, you were wearing a very short dress, and when I mean short, I mean short. Mommy you were also wearing what looked like Grandpa’s fishing net on your legs and wearing the red high heels you put on when you and Daddy go out on special nights out. Another thing, I even heard you ask Daddy how did he like your new nurse’s outfit. I even saw that Daddy had a really big smile on his face when he said,

“I like it very much.”

            I have known my Mommy all my life and I can tell you one thing, after I told her about that white nurse’s outfit for some strange reason she turned as red as the Lobstah Dad had last night at the seafood restaurant. Heck, the lady behind the desk in the waiting room was acting strange too, she had her hand over her mouth. I guess that lady behind the desk was not feeling too good or something.

            “Joey Stein that was not my nurse’s outfit. That was my Halloween costume.” She said loudly.

            “Mommy, it’s February,” I said with a straight face.

            “I got it on sale!”

“Ok,” I said. I can’t wait until Halloween now. I might go as a Urology patient.   I wonder what Dad will be.