What’s In the Paper Bag?

                I sat at the kitchen table eating my Captain Crunch and drinking a glass of milk. My mom and Dad look at me as being strange for not putting my milk in with the cereal.

            Dad walks into the kitchen with a brown paper bag in tow and puts it on the table. Mom says, “I see you went to the grocery store.”

            “That I did.”

            “So Dad, what’s in the bag,” I asked.

            “Nothing of much importance.”

            “So what is” not much importance?”

            “Why are you so fascinated with what’s in a simple paper bag?”

            “If the bag is of” not much importance then why do you not let me know what’s in it?” I asked.

            “Some things in a young boy’s life are better left not knowing.”

            “Not knowing? If I don’t ask questions, how will I learn?”

            “You can always learn, but keep in mind you don’t need to know everything while you are still young.”

            “What does being young have to do with what is in a paper bag?”

            “Trust me, you do not want to know what not much importance is in that bag at your young age.”

            “Dad, it’s not like there’s a monster in the bag,” I said as I smiled at him.

            “Joey, it’s not the fact that there is no monster. It’s what the item in the bag represents. When I was your age my father had a similar conversation like the one where having.”

            “Ok, go on,” I pushed.

            “You see, when I was a young boy, my mother asked my father to go to the store and pick something up. The item my mother asked him to pick up at the drug store at the time was always placed in a paper bag. When my father returned with said paper bag he gave it to my mother happily. I, like you, then asked what was in the paper bag. My father asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I informed him that I was sure. My father said, “Ok then,” and told me what was in the bag. My jaw hit the floor in shock after he told me what was in the bag. At that point I decided to save my own son the horror of knowing what was in the brown paper bag until he was of age.”

            “So I guess I’m not of age,” I said.

            “You got it kid.”

            Just then, my older sister Elizabeth, looking like the walking dead dressed in what she called Goth, came into the kitchen. I looked at her as if she was celebrating Halloween. Elizabeth walked up to the kitchen table and grabbed the bag and asked Dad, “Is this what I’ve been waiting for?”

            “Yes,” Dad said as he smiled at my sister.

            “Thanks for getting me my Tampons, Dad.”

            I smiled at Dad and asked, “Dad, what’s a tampon?”

            “Joey, just eat your cereal.”

The End of Jenny and Batman Having Tea and The Beginning of Batman goes Toy Shopping Part 2

 

Mrs. Alfred saves the day with the greatest words ever, “Ok kids lets go see Jeffery at the toy store.”

Batman with a stone smile says, “Holy popsicle sticks! I survived The Young Villain Lady’s plan to kill me with juice and cuteness thanks to Alfred.”

I put on my utility belt over my blue dress. I checked all the yellow compartments to make sure The Evil Young Lady did not take any of the Bat’s tools. Let’s see, I have the Bat mini light, Bat rope, Bat jacks, Bat marbles (can’t loose those), Bat tape gray, Bat pocket knife, Bat toilet paper (you never know), and Bat tweezers. From what I could see; I had everything.

“To the Bat van,” I said.

“It’s not a Bat van it’s a mini van, silly,” The Evil Young Lady said.

Batman just gave her a stone look as he tried to walk to the one exit out of The Villain’s Layer, but as Batman made two steps down he went.

“Ha, Ha! Funny looking, Brother, you tripped over the dress. You better not rip my dress or I’ll tell Mommy.” The Evil Young Lady said.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head,” I said.

Then as I tried to get up “O no! The Bat marbles!” And down I went again. Not even out the door, and already loosing my marbles.

“Ha, Ha! You fell again!”

It’s not easy being a superhero. I gathered up my marbles pulled up my dress and headed for the Bat van. The Bat van sat sadly out in front of Stein Manor House for all the city’s villains to see. The Bat van wouldn’t fit in the cave, because it was full. The Bat cave was a dumping ground for old furniture, clothing and the like. It was so bad Dad had a path to the garage door so if he needed to exit the cave in a timely manner.

Mom fired up the van and you could hear the engine squeal in anticipation.

“Darn belt! I keep forgetting to fix it. You kids strapped in and ready to go?,” Mom said.

The Little Villain Lady and myself put our thumbs up. We headed down the road in the Bat van. It looked more like something the Joker would laugh at and the Riddler would drive. The van was lime green and as you got closer to the bottom it changed to black. My mother never washed the van She looked at it as: Why wash something that will get dirty in just 5 minutes of driving on a Maine road?

The Sun darkened the front of the building as we pulled up, but you could see it in all it’s glory and color. The Toys-R-Us sign, big as day, and I had an even bigger smile. We entered the store, and of course we had to see everything, but the girly girl stuff. Mom made me go down the girly girl isles with Jenny, I hated that. I would rather get beat up on the playground than as a boy have to go down the girly girl aisles. However, there is one unholy place to a boy of any age; an aisle so dark and evil that if you say the name to another boy he could get an ear infection or some other illness, and might even die from it. For safety and the future of all boy kind we simply call the dark aisle “The Pink aisle.” Girls’ call it by its real name, it scares me to even tell you the name, The Barbie aisle. I was lucky this day, I saved myself from having to walk down that bright pink road, for if I did, and a boy found out, I would most likely never be touched again for I would have The Pink Plague.

Now onto a better and brighter aisle, The Action Figure aisle. Mind you, my Dad in all his wit and wisdom has always informed me that Action Figures are just dolls for boys. I have argued The Action Figure point with him and sometimes the whole family that he is wrong. I have also informed my Dad that I will obtain a lawyer and argue the case of Action Figure vs Dolls in a court of law. At this time I am still working on coming up with the capital to pay for said lawyer.

Before I headed down the Action Figure aisle Jenny yelled out, “Mommy, Mommy!”

“What is it Jenny?”

“I have a party in my pants, Mommy.”

Mom told me to stay in The Action Figure aisle and that she had to take my sister to the restroom. I nodded my head and entered the world of heroes and villains. No Barbies on this here aisle. All by myself drool rolling down the corner of my mouth I didn’t know what to pick up. Spiderman, Batman, Hulk, Superman, and more. I finally grabbed a Batman, and a Joker and just looked at them as I stood in the isle.

“Hey, freak boy!” a voice yelled out at me. I turned my head in the direction of the name calling. I saw a boy looked to be 10 years old and chunky with blond hair and freckles.

“Hey, I’m talking to you, you little freak. Who you supposed to be?”

“I M BATMAN!!”

“Ha, ha, ha,” The Kid said, as he started walking towards me.

“You’re not Batman your just some dumb little kid with a Batman mask and a blue dress on.”

I pulled up the bottom of my dress and showed the big stupid kid that I was Batman. I showed the kid that like all good super heroes I wear my underwear on the outside. My Underroos even had the Bat symbol on the front. DON’T WEARY LADIES, I HAD BLACK JEANS ON UNDER MY UNDERROOS.

“You’re a freak for wearing your underwear on the outside and even bigger freak for wearing a dress. Are your parents stupid or something?”

“I AM BATMAN, not a freak.”

The big kid looked at my hands and said, “What do you have in your hands.”

“Batman figures,” I said.

“Let me see, give them to me!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m bigger then you, and I said so!”

“That’s what my dad says sometimes and your not him, so NO!!”

The big kid reached over and grabs The Batman action figure out of my right hand. Batman became mad and gave the punk kid a look and said, “So you like to steal toys from little kids?”

“What did you say freak boy?” the big kid said looking puzzled.

Batman said one last thing “Are you feeling lucky punk?” and then I brought up my right leg and kicked the punk in the family jewels as hard as I could. My leg moved so fast that the bottom of my dress flew up and hit me in the face. The dress blocked my view so I couldn’t see if I had made contact. As my dress cleared my face, and started to lay back down a wall of spit came flying at my face. I took the edge of the dress on the arm sleeves, and wiped my face off. After opening my eyes I saw laying on the floor the punk kid in the fetal position holding himself and crying.

On the floor by the kid was the Batman action figure. I looked at The Action Figure and then throw the Joker figure I had in my other hand next to the kid and said, “Seeing that you wanted The Batman figure so bad you should take the Joker figure instead. You two have a lot in common.”

I approached the end of the aisle just as my mother and Jenny came back from the restroom. My mother asked if I had picked out a toy. I said, “No, let’s just go home we can come back another day.”

My mother looked down the aisle and saw the kid laying on the floor crying, and the two action figure beside him. Before we walked out of the store all my mother said to me was, “Are you ok?”

 

My reply was, “I am ok, Mrs. Alfred, just another day in Gotham City.”

Jenny and Batman Have Tea Part 1

                “This city is full of bad guys. Good thing I am Batman. From a top this building I can look upon Gotham City.”

                “Joey, get off the chair! How many times have I told you not to stand on the chairs?!” My mother yelled as she killed the hopes and dreams of Batman.

                I said in my defense, “But, Mom, I am Batman!”

                “I’ll give you Batman right across those Underroos,” was her unappreciative remark.  I shot my mother a Bat-like look through the Bat mask, opened my cape widely, and jumped off the side of the building landing safely on the streets of Gotham. Behind me I heard the sound of a Young Lady in distress.

                “Hey, Joey, you want to have tea time with me and my friends?” the Young Lady asked. I looked at the Young Lady and said, “I am not, Joey; I am Batman, and Batman does not do what you call Tea Time.”

                “Mommy, Joey won’t play with me,” the Young, now-annoying-Lady said to the Lady-that- brought-me-into-the-world.

                “Joey, you need to play with your sister,” that Lady said.

                The narrator interjects some fact filled information, “Folks, looks like Batman is in a real pickle. He just might be jarred and put on the shelf by the evil villains: The Lady and her side kick Young Lady. What will Batman do next?”

                “But, Ma, I!”

                “Joey, don’t but me!”

                “Batman does not do Tea time or tea parties.” Batman said.

                “JOEY!!”

                “Ok, Ok, I’ll tell Batman we have to do Tea.” I said.

                “He has to wear a dress to my tea party,” The Young Lady said. Batman gave the two ladies a look of shock and horror and said, “Say what?! Batman is too manly to wear a dress.”

                The Lady informed me, “Joey, Cupcake, I’ll tell you what, if you wear the dress and play tea time with your sister, later I’ll take you to the toy store.”

                “He has to wear the blue one and also wear it to the store. We can be Princesses together,” The Young Villain Lady said.

                “Joey, make your sister happy and I will get you something nice,” The Lady said.

                “Can I wear my suit under the dress?” I asked.

                “Batman can wear his suit under the dress. Now go play,” The Lady said.

                It felt cold in the Villains Layer, even heartless. Batman sat at the table dressed in an ugly blue dress. The only redeeming part about this awful contraption was that the color of the dress worked well with Batman’s costume. Batman had jokers to the right and jokers to the left. On the right a brown happy little bear with permanent a grin named Fossie bear who just says “Waka, Waka”. To the left was a white horse with a horn sticking out of its head. The horse just looked at me and commented, “What’s your problem? You never seen a white unicorn with purple hair before?” The other Guests at the table were two other bears and a pig. All I could think was Holy-Grape-Jelly, Batman! Were in a jam and we don’t even have any peanut butter!

                “Would you like some more tea, Mr. Batman?” the Young lady asked.

                ‘No thanks, but I will take two pieces of bread so I can click them together and say, “There’s no place like Gotham. There’s no place like Gotham City.”  

               

               

 

 

JOEY'S RAVEN

Once upon a midnight dreary,

In a bleak December,

I pondered weak and weary.

While I napped in my bed chamber I heard a gentle rapping.

A rapping from my chamber door,

Or a rapping on my window pain.

No wait, could the rapping be my closet door?

I waited once more to hear the rapping at the closet door.

I look once more for my baby bear upon my chest.

Deep into the darkness peering,

Long I stared like a deer in head lights wondering, fearing, even doubting.

Silence broken rapping growing ever louder.

Only light upon my chamber shone from yonder window panes across my chamber floor.

Sound of tapping could it be my closet door?

Could it even be a monster?

A monster lurking in my closet

Behind my closet door in my bed chamber rapping and tapping at the door.

All my soul within me burning, burning with fear for the monster

Lurking behind my closet door.

Wait, I heard a whisper,

Not a rapping, not a tapping,

Not a word coming from my closet door.

Once again a whisper and now it comes from my chamber window.

I sprang out of bed to the window sill

I threw open the curtain,

And to my surprise an ebony bird,

A RAVEN rapping, tapping and whispering words upon my window.

Was not a monster in my chamber closet,

But a dirty fowl upon my window sill.

Nether friend nor foe

I tried to shoo the evil bird from my window sill.

I tried to shoo the fowl upon my sill away to only hear it say’ “Never”

I motioned once more by tapping on the window pain,

Tapping as hard as it is tempered,

But still the black upon my window sill cries out “Never.”

I ran down the stairs after exiting my chamber,

Pulled open the door to the outside.

The horror, the fantastic terrors of the night.

I stepped into darkness and ran to the window outside.

I looked to the heavens and saw upon my chamber window sill the ebony foul,

The RAVEN looking not at me, but down at me.

 It, the Raven, smiled with the grave and stern decorum of countenance it wore.

 I looked upon the ground to see what I could find in the night

 a rock or stick that was once part of a branch part of a tree.

Ah, I found it, a stick as hard as hickory, and as strong as hard

As I could I throw that stick of hickory at that black beast.

The window broken, the RAVEN broke flight without even a word,

 Without even a rap or a tap. 

No word from the bird, but I said a word, “Never”

I ran back to the house back to my bed chamber.

I looked upon my window pain, broken.

I looked upon my chamber floor and saw the pieces of my window pain.

In the shadows of my chamber floor the stick of hickory.

I wiped my eyes and, then yelled, “Ma, a tree branch fell and broke my window!!”

Day Out With Nurse Mommy part 2

 

                Mommy walked off and The Lady from the desk looked at me and smiled as she turned the “open” sign over. In about an hour, the waiting room started to fill up. An old guy sat down beside me he asked, “What are you here for?” “I am here because I have trouble going to the bathroom and a little problem with my flow.”  I said, “I don’t have a problem going; I have a problem with flushing. My Daddy says I have big poops that won’t flush, and he sometimes has to do what he calls ‘snaking the drain’. My mommy says, “Good thing your Daddy owns a septic company, son; it’s because of you that we’re going to have to clean out the septic tank a lot sooner than most people.”

                The old guy says, “I see young man, luckily, I don’t have that problem.” A nurse opened the door to the back, and called out, “Mr. Peterson.”

                “Well kid, see you later. That’s me she’s calling,” The old guy, Mr. Peterson, said. After about 30 minutes the old guy Mr. Peterson comes out, and behind him was one of the Docs telling him over, and over that he was sorry. I was confused, because the old guy was walking like one of those guys in old west movies that just got off a horse after a long ride. Mr. Peterson looked at me while the Doc asked him, “Would you like me to subscribe some pain medication?”

                In a soft raspy voice Mr. Peterson said, ‘No. That’s ok. I’ll be fine.” Mr. Peterson looked at me, and smiled as he made his way to the door. Just seeing him walk the way we did scarred me. I asked The Lady at the desk if I could go to the back and visit my mother. The Lady gladly buzzed me in to the back. The door closed behind me with a click and all I could see was a long hallway with doors while my little ears picked up the sound of moans and groans. Over the intercom I heard, “Mrs. Stein, to room 12,” and then saw my mother at the far end of the hall come out of one hallway and it looked like then go into a room.

                I yelled, “Mommy,” but she didn’t hear me. So I slowly walked up to the room she was in. I was a little scared still. I could even hear my heart going bump, bump, bump. The door to room 12 was cracked just a little and I could smell a strange odor coming from the room kind of like the smell after Mommy had cleaned the bathroom, but different. I peered into the room looking through the partly opened door, and my heart started bump, bump, bumping even faster. I saw my Mother in the room with a doctor and a guy laying on a table.

                The doctor says, “Sir, this might hurt for a bit at first.” The man on the table said, “Please be gentle.”

                The doctor looked at my Mother and says, “The device, please.”

                My Mother nodded and unwrapped a long silver thing that looked like a snake with a large eye on one end. The Doctor took the long silver snake from my Mother and said, “Here we go.” He pulled a towel away from the man’s waist. The man yelled out in pain as the doctor grabbed his penne and started shoving the silver snake in to his pee-pee hole. Then put my hand over my mouth and started backing up, when it happened.

 I bumped into a nurse that was carrying a container of yellow stuff. The container went flying through the air, hit me in the head, and the yellow stuff started sliding down the back of my head. Funny thing is, as I stood in the hallway like a wet deer caught in the head lights, I could smell the odor of pee-pee. Could the yellow liquid, be the cause of the foul smell? The nurse I bumped in to asked, “Are you alright sweetie?”  Just then, my Mother came out of room 12 and saw me standing in the hallway. My mother shook her head and looked at me and just said, “Joey!” She grabbed me by the arm and took me to a bathroom to clean me up. She gave me a towel and told me to dry off my head, and left me in the bathroom for a couple of minutes. When she came back she told me that I was to go back to the waiting room and wait for my father to come and pick me up. I just nodded my head not saying a word still. In the waiting room, 30 minutes passed by and dad finally showed up.   He helped me pick up my stuff and we headed out the door. On the drive back home he asked, “What happened?”

                I looked at him and said, “Look, Dad, you can’t go to the Urologist anymore.”

                “What do you mean??”

                “You remember all those alien movies we saw? Especially the parts where they were doing weird things to people and cows,” I said.

                “Ya, I remember.”

                “Well, I saw a doctor probing the ‘you know where’ area on a guy and Mommy was in the room with him. Those Urology doctors are Aliens!  I don’t think they’re even human,” I said.  My dad answers with, “You don’t say.”

                “And you know what the sad part is.”

                “What’s that son?”

                “If we go in there and kill the aliens Mommy will be out of a job,” I ended with.

                “All Dad said was, “Your right about that.”

Out With Nurse Mommy

          It was a Friday, and another day off from school and this time I had to go to work with Mom. Mom worked at the local doctor’s office, and worked under Dr. Pornstake. The Doc was a Urologist which I didn’t really know what a Urologist was, but I know my Daddy did not like going to see one. My Mother put me in the waiting room with some coloring books, and crayons. Mom also told me I could play with the toys in the corner that were there. She informed me that she needed to change in to her nurse’s outfit. Ten minutes went by, and Mom came back to see me and she was wearing green pajamas.

            “Mommy, why are you not wearing your nurse’s outfit?” I asked.

            “Cupcake, this is my nurse’s outfit,” she said. Mom always liked to call me cupcake.

            “No, I mean the other one.”

            “You mean the other green one?” she asked.

            I then said, “NO, silly Mommy, the white one.”

            “Joey, sweetie, I don’t own a white nurse’s outfit.  I just have green ones like the one I am wearing,” and she pointed to her outfit she had on.

            “Mommy, look, last week you had on a white nurses outfit with a small hat that had that red plus sign on it. You did not have pajama bottoms like those, you were wearing a very short dress, and when I mean short, I mean short. Mommy you were also wearing what looked like Grandpa’s fishing net on your legs and wearing the red high heels you put on when you and Daddy go out on special nights out. Another thing, I even heard you ask Daddy how did he like your new nurse’s outfit. I even saw that Daddy had a really big smile on his face when he said,

“I like it very much.”

            I have known my Mommy all my life and I can tell you one thing, after I told her about that white nurse’s outfit for some strange reason she turned as red as the Lobstah Dad had last night at the seafood restaurant. Heck, the lady behind the desk in the waiting room was acting strange too, she had her hand over her mouth. I guess that lady behind the desk was not feeling too good or something.

            “Joey Stein that was not my nurse’s outfit. That was my Halloween costume.” She said loudly.

            “Mommy, it’s February,” I said with a straight face.

            “I got it on sale!”

“Ok,” I said. I can’t wait until Halloween now. I might go as a Urology patient.   I wonder what Dad will be.

Day Off From School

                 I had a day off from school, I think it was one of those teacher work days. Well, my Mom and Dad worked it out where my little sister went with my Mother to work while I had to go with Dad. I asked Dad, “What about Elizabeth.” I was then informed that she was staying with a friend.

                Dad and I headed out to the family business BLOW BROTHERS.  When my Dad and his workers answer the phone they always say, “BLOW BROTHERS were number one in the number two business we have little trucks, big trucks and those extra-large trucks for those extra special jobs. How may I help you?” My Dad has about 15 trucks for moving: as he calls it, human waste. Dad also put out POOR-A-JONS out door bathrooms that poor people use. They are very popular. My Dad just has his guys put them all over town, and people just use them. I can’t understand how he can just put bathrooms all over the place and not make a dime.

                One time my Dad put an ad in the paper to drum up more business. The add had two septic tank trucks on the sides and in the middle read SEPTIC TANKS PUMPED SWIMMING POOLS FILLED needless to say he didn’t fill any pools. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t work.

                Any ways,. that morning my Dad had to drive one of the trucks. Dad and I headed to our first job. I asked my Dad what a septic tank was, before he could explain we pulled up to our first job. A woman runs up to us and says’ “Thank goodness you are here. It’s my husband.” Dad asks the woman, “What’s wrong?” She tells him, “My husband was mowing the lawn and the ground over the septic tank opened up and he fell in.”

                Dad ran over to the hole and looked in. I came up beside my Dad and he said, “That’s what a septic tank is, “As he pointed into the hole. The man in hole looked up at us and said, “Can you get me out of here.” The poor man was stuck in a pea soup mess with a lawn mower slowing going under like the Titanic. It looked like a good mower, too, from what was visible. Over my shoulder I heard, “Don’t worry honey! The septic tank man will get you out.”

                I looked at my Dad and said, “Daddy you don’t have a ladder.”

                “I know,” He said.

                My Dad called the fire department and in 15 minutes, they finally showed up. Booth Bay’s finest beer-bellied firemen. Two Santa Claus wanna-bees came up to the hole and looked down and then looked at my Dad. One of them says, “I guess he’s in some deep shit.”

                The other fireman says, “NO, he’s not in some deep shit, he’s mowing through some deep shit.”

                After the firemen got the guy out, we left and my Dad looks at me and said, “That was a shitty job. By the way, don’t tell your mother what happened.”          

Every Story Has a Beginning

         My name is Joey Stein, I have a little sister named Jenny and a big sister named Elizabeth. My Dad owns a septic tank business, and my mother is a nurse. My parents say I have no commonsense and that they pray every day for me to find it. I live in Boothbay Harbor, Maine, in a big house with a large yard. At the far end of the yard is a sand box and a swing set with a slide. I’m currently serving my second sentence in kindergarten at John F. Kennedy elementary school. My teachers name is Mrs. White she’s kind of like a Jeckle and Hyde. I just think she’s crazy and beg Mom and Dad every day just to put me in another school, or even another classroom. My classroom has 20 snot nosed, wait, 19 snot nosed whiney butts. The worst of the whiney butts is little Miss Princess, Katie Manfield. Miss Princess always tries to tell me what to do in class. I think it stems from the fact that her daddy is the Mayor. One day, Katie made me play dolls with her. I didn’t want to, but she told the teacher. Mrs. White said, “Joey, sometimes we need to be nice and play things others like to play.”

            I lost the battle and was stuck with Barbie’s boyfriend, Ken. Ken and I talked and we wanted to play superheroes. I took off Ken’s pants and put his underwear on over his pants. I then did the same and lucky for me I was wearing superman underwear. I looked at Katie and said, “Superman and Superboy need to go to work so Barbie’s just going to have to deal with it and eat dinner on her own.” Little Miss Princess had a cow, and ratted me out to the teacher. I already had a yellow ticket on the wall, and she got me a red, and I had to sit in the corner. I got her back that day at snack time by pouring my water out on her chair. After Katie sat down, I told Mrs. White that Katie wet her pants. I even said it loud enough that the whole class heard me. Katie Manfield looked at me and said’ “I hate you, Joey Stein.” I just smiled at her and ate my chocolate chip cookie. Revenge tastes so sweet.