PUTTING THE SEAT DOWN

                In my house we have one bathroom but it’s big. The toilet sits in a room by itself in the bathroom. It’s like a closet for the toilet. Dad and I never close the door to the toilet closet. Dad tells Mom that he can’t turn around after he’s done because the closet’s too small. I don’t close the door because I’m too lazy to care. Mom, Elizabeth, and Jenny, they all close the door. I hate it when Mom closes the door because every time I need to ask her a question she’s in the bathroom and I have to talk to the bathroom door in order to talk to her. When Mom is in the bathroom she’s in there for a long time with her zombie phone or with a book. Mom calls the toilet closet the library. I just don’t know why because there are no book shelves with books on them in the bathroom.

                Mom, Elizabeth and Jenny battle every day with dad and me because we always forget to put the seat down. One night Mom got up about two in the morning to use the bathroom (Dad was the last one in the bathroom before Mom). She sat down in the dark to use the bathroom and forgot to check to see if Dad put down the seat. Mom yelled out Dad’s full name and even spoke a little French. Mom’s yelling woke up the whole house and everyone ran to the bathroom thinking something was wrong with her. For one hour Mom and Dad were talking, more like yelling back and forth about the toilet seat being up or down. My sister, Elizabeth, yelled a number of times, “Will you two shut up and go to sleep?”

                I would yell out after that, “Thanks, Sis.”

                Mom or Dad would chime in, “You kids need to go to sleep, don’t worry about what your parents are doing.”

                Elizabeth would fire back, “Well, we would sleep if you two would stop arguing about a stupid toilet seat.”

                Morning came, Mom didn't say a word to Dad, I think she was still mad at him. Breakfast was like silent lunch at school for everyone was still sleepy from being kept awake part of the night. After breakfast, dad left the house for work. About two hours passed and while I was playing in my room, I heard a beeping sound, like one of Dad’s trucks backing up. I ran to the Kitchen and looked out on the deck and saw Dad offloading a Poor a John on to our deck.

                “Joey, get out here and help!” Dad yelled.

                We placed the Poor a John on the deck and up against the house. I asked Dad, “Why do we have a Poor a John on the deck? Are we setting up a homeless shelter?”

                Dad answered back, “No, and it’s not a Poor a John, it’s a Port a John. This is going to be our new bathroom, the men’s room.” 

                “What about the winter time? It will be too cold to use?”

                “Just grin and bear it, kid.”

                Dad went into the house and informed Mom what he had done. Mom said, “So now when I sit out on the deck I have to look at one of your shitters.”

                “Well, look at it this way, honey, at least your ass won’t fall into the toilet during the night, “Dad shot back as he smiled.

Leprechaun Trap

            In kindergarten you get to draw, play, make stuff and have someone read to you. We learn how to clean up; I hate to clean up. One day Miss. P. pulled out some boxes that were mostly green with sparkly things. Miss P. said, “Now class these are Leprechaun traps. Does anyone know what a Leprechaun is?”

            Little Miss Katie Manfield put her hand up and said, “O me, me!!”

            “Go ahead Katie,” Miss. P. said.

            “A Leprechaun is a little green man that likes money,” Katie said.

            “That’s right Katie, a Leprechaun is a little man that likes money. Also, a Leprechaun is a type of fairy that comes from Irish stories. Besides collecting money, he also likes to cause mischief and he is always dressed in green,” Miss P. explained. What Miss. P. said sounded a lot like one of my great uncles that my Dad talks about. He always says that he acts like a little fairy. By the way, he likes wearing green, because I always see him in something green.

            “Now class, I have in front of me some Leprechaun traps here today.  Take a look at what you might like,” Miss. P. said.

I looked over the traps spread across the table and saw some strange traps, but they were so small. There were some box traps, hat traps and all of them had something gold. I looked at Miss. P. and asked, “If a Leprechaun is as small as us then how will the Leprechaun fit into these little traps.”

            Miss. P. informed us, “Leprechauns can make themselves smaller, in order to not be seen getting gold. They can fit into the smallest of spaces! Why do you think no one ever sees one? ”

            I took home that information Miss. P. told us about Leprechauns. I had one week to make a trap and figure out how to catch a Leprechaun. A week passed and the teacher, Miss. P. told everyone to put their projects on the back tables and we would look at them, one by one. Miss P. looked over the projects and then looked at me and said, “Joey, I’m puzzled where is your Leprechaun project.”

            “Sorry Miss P. my project was damaged after I caught a Leprechaun. I have everything on video,” I said holding up a flash drive.

            Miss P. looked to be taken by surprise and asked me, “OK, Joey, let’s put your video on the smart board and see your Leprechaun.”

            Miss P. opened up the video for the class to see. It opened with me narrating.

            “Ok, folks, as you can see I have a small animal trap that grabs the leg when you step on the button like this.” In the video I pushed the button and the two metal arms come up to make a snapping sound, like an alligator’s mouth. The whole class jump in their seats and Miss P. looks at me.

            “Now folks, I have laid the trap on the floor, so the Leprechaun doesn't see it, I am covering it with a small carpet. Alright, seeing that I have no gold, I am going to use Mom’s purse as bait.” A minute goes by and then a noise on the video. “Shh, we need to be quiet, here comes the Leprechaun.” A short little man comes into the room dressed all in a green suit with a green hat, around on top of his head. He had a beard that’s all white, but no mustache and he walked like a weeble wobble toward Mom’s purse. “Watch this folks, see the Leprechaun he’s looking around to see if anyone is looking before he looks in the purse.” The Leprechaun picked up the purse after looking around, opened it pulled out Mom’s wallet and then pulls out $200.00 and sticks it in his back pocket. My class was shocked and so was Miss P.

            “Alright kids, here it comes.” The Leprechaun took one step to walk forward, and then SNAP!!! The trap got his leg along with the carpet that was covering it. The Leprechaun fell back and Mom’s purse went flying; I never in my life knew that my mom could get so much stuff in to one purse. The Leprechaun started yelling, “WHAT THE #@!!!?, G-HAW#!@%!!”

            Miss P. shouted, “Class, cover your ears,” as she scrambled to mute the sound on the video.

            Thanks to me, my Mom and Dad found out that Uncle Mickey was taking money from them. My big sister, Elizabeth, was happy also because Mom and Dad had been pointing fingers at her for the missing money. Uncle Mickey, aka The Leprechaun, wasn't so happy because I gave him a broken leg with my trap and Mom and Dad got him put in jail for a time and what about Miss P.? Well, she was somewhere in the middle, not happy with me, but not mad. She did give me a “D” on my Leprechaun Trap with the stern warning to never do a project like that again during my time at John F. Kennedy Elementary.  

Phone Zombies

       
    The day started like any other, Mom made breakfast. As Jenny and I sat eating our breakfast Mom slowly pulled out her cell phone and started looking at it. Mom had one of those smart phones that could go online and do half a dozen other things. The phone was one of those deals Dad got, I think like a buy one get one free thing.

                At one point, I needed some more juice, so I asked Mom, “Mom, I need some more Juice.”

                Mom said, “OK, just one minute.” She never looked up.

 Two minutes went by and again I asked, “Mom, it’s been two minutes, I need some juice over here!”

Mom still looking at her phone said, “OK” and still didn't move or take her eye off the phone.

Jenny asked, “What’s wrong with Mommy?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a questionable look.

Just then Dad came down and he was looking at his phone. “Hey, Dad can you help me, I need some more juice and Mom’s not responding. I think she’s glued to that phone you got her.”

Dad didn't even look up from his phone and said, “OK, I've got to go to work.” And Dad walk out the door.

Jenny looked at me and I look at her and she said, “What is going on, Joey?”

“I don’t know, Jenny?”

Just after Dad walked out the door, Elizabeth, my big sister came down with her phone in hand.

“Hey, Sis, can you get me some more juice,” I asked hoping she would help me out.

“Sure, look in the refrigerator,” she said not even looking up from her phone. I hit my head with my right hand and thought what a kid has to do to get a glass of juice. The front door slams shut and I looked over at where Mom was sitting and she was gone.  My big sister was gone to. I looked at my little sister and said, “Where home alone, O’ no!!!”

All my little sister did was scream. After about an hour of blood curdling screaming she stopped. I made us PB and J sandwiches for lunch. By late afternoon the Phone zombies showed up still glued to their phones. Jenny and I were fed dinner. It wasn't pretty. Night fell upon the house and everyone was in bed. That night I rounded up all the cell phones and dumped them in the toilet. To make sure they wouldn't use the phone again I sat down on the toilet and released the Kraken upon them. I even left the toilet seat up while the whole soupy mess stewed overnight.    

Come morning, I got my point across and Dad had to buy new phones for everyone.   

Our Dog Keeper

                Our dog, Keeper, is a good dog. He’s better than our past dogs. We named him, Keeper, because Mom and Dad always had problems with dogs. We had one dog that would not stop barking, it barked non-stop, to the point one of our neighbors thought we had rare African bird in our yard. The dog bark sounded like a strange bird from a distance. We had to get rid of that dog. Another dog was a Siberian husky. He was big, I didn’t like him he scared me. He also scared my little sister and Mom. The husky didn’t scare my Dad, but the husky was scared of my big sister, Elizabeth. Every time she came around he would go hide under the coffee table. I think it was because all that Goth make up she wore. Sad to say, but the husky had to go to a friend adopted him to live on his farm with two other dogs.

                When Dad found Keeper he told Mom this is the last dog. So Mom told Dad, “Fine, we’ll call him, Keeper.” Keeper is a big dog trapped in a little dog’s body. He weighs about 30Ibs and sounds like he’s a 100Lbs.

                Well let me tell you about one of Keepers tales, not that he has more than one tail, I mean stories. My Dad always tells Mom and my big sister to put female type things in the trash can and not down the toilet. He says only toilet paper should be put in the toilet, and to think about the stuff that needs to be cleaned out of waste water. My Mom and sister understood, while Keeper was a puppy he understood what was in the trash can and from time to time he would empty out the trash can. All over the bathroom floor, hallway and sometimes the living room floor, bathroom trash would be spread every were. My Dad got mad at us kids and the dog, because we would forget to close the bathroom door and the dog would of course dump out the trash can. One night the family was watching a movie. Keeper started coughing and then sounded like she was chocking. The whole family looked at the dog and before Dad could get out of this chair to help Keeper a big white thing flew out of her month. The object flew across the room and landed behind one of Mom’s house plants. Dad checked on the dog after all of us looked at each other wondering what flew out of the dog’s month. My sister Elizabeth went over to the house plant and picked up the item when she found it. At first we didn’t know what it was. All you saw was a string hooked to a fluffy long white object with spots of red on it. Then my sister yells out, “Hey, I know what it is, it’s a used Tampon!”

                My little sister and I ran out of the living room in disgust. Mom yelled, “Elizabeth, throw that away!”

                My Dad said, “See now everyone will remember to close the bathroom door.”        

D.A.S.S

            I like going places with my dad, and when I’m out and about with him he runs into a lot of what he calls D.A.S.Ss. One time we were traveling on the highway and a guy in a pickup truck cut my dad off he didn’t even use his turn signal.

            My dad said, “That D.A.S.S, he must be a Masshole!”

            To clear his reference up the word “Masshole” is what folks from Maine call people from Massachusetts or another name used in a nicer content is Massawhatsit. Folks in that, state don’t know what a turn signal is. My dad says the turn signals in cars from Massawhatsit have been disconnected, as the car manufacturers figured them folks never use them. So why make them work?

            Another D.A.S.S moment happened when my dad and I were at the pet store. We exited the pet store and this fancy pants dude, as my dad called him, put his cart by the curb and it slowly rolled backwards and ran into the front of my dad’s truck. Dad was mad, but keep in mind we own a septic tank business, so the dent wasn't the problem. He, was madder at the fact that as the cart rolled backwards and the guy just got in his BMW and drove out of the parking lot. Out of my dad’s mouth came the words, “That stupid D.A.S.S!!”

            With all that said I made it my goal to rid the world of D.A.S.S I started with my kindergarten class. It was a Friday afternoon, my teacher Miss P. she looked like Popeye’s girlfriend Olive Oil, she told the class to play quietly and that she had to step out for a short time. Our kindergarten classroom was one of those open room something’s were you had two classrooms side by side with no wall. Miss P. informed the other teacher Miss what’s her name that she was stepping out. I think she had to go to the can as my dad called it.

            After Miss P. walked out the door I grabbed the big letter cards and laid the cards against the board by the circle time area. I then got ever one to come to circle time area and sit down. I placed out the letter cards D.A.S.S and explained to my classmate how not to be a D.A.S.S. I found that for some of the girls there was no hope. I informed the hopeless girls to pray for common sense every night before they went to bed, and that one day it would come. Halfway through my program Miss P. walks in and sees the kids gathered and my letters laid out. I knew the gig was up when I heard her say, “Joey Stein!!” That little program got me a trip to the principal’s office and a phone call to my parents.

            My mom that night, glared at my dad and said, “This is your fault!” as she pointed at me. He just gave me a wink as he shrugged his shoulders.