Cell Phone Baby Sitter

                From time to time my Parents go out by themselves. They call it Mommy/ Daddy time. My little sister and I call it baby sitter time. Sometimes our big sister watches us or even worse a baby sitter. First off I’m not a baby. Jenny might still be one, but me, I’m too old to be a baby. Mom and Dad always tells me that I can’t be alone because I might burn down the house and I always tell them, “Look how was I to know you couldn't put tin foil in the microwave, if you guys thought there was a sticker on the microwave that said no metal items then you’re mistaken!” The Microwave is but another story for later.

                One night, we had to have a baby sitter because Mom and Dad needed that special time. Mom had to get a different baby sitter, the regular one, Miss Jackie as she was called, was out of town. Jenny was not happy at all. She liked Miss Jackie, because she played tea time with Jenny.

                Our sister, Elizabeth, was also going to be out of town for a school trip. It ended up Mom got a baby sitter who just happened to be one of Elizabeth’s Goth friends.

                Six pm at the Stein residence came and the doorbell rang. At the door my parents greeted the baby sitter Kim. Kim was a lot like my sister, the bride of Frankenstein, minus the white makeup. I guess Kim figured she wasn't going to a Halloween party so she should look somewhat human. Kim was dressed in a black long sleeve shirt with black and white strips a black dress which stopped at her knee caps. Her socks covered her legs and she had on black work boots with pink shoe laces of all things. Dr. Phil should do a show on her called “Disney Princess Gone Bad.”

                Anyways, Kim played nice and Mom and Dad headed out the door and told Kim that they would be back at 11:00pm and that Jenny and I needed to be in bed by no later than 8:45pm. Mom and Dad’s car, AKA the Bat Van, pulled away and Miss Kim sat down on the sofa popped on the idiot box as Mom called it. The room was silent minus the TV and then it happened. The baby sitter whipped out something Jenny and myself hated with a passion. It was one of the worst things ever created by man, so dark and evil, it could suck the life out of a person. It was a pink cell phone, Jenny looked at me and said, “Look, Joey, it’s one of those Zombie phones.”

                I didn’t say a word I just looked at Miss Kim pecking away at the screen. Jenny went up to Miss Kim while she was glued to her little screen.

                “Miss Kim, will you play tea time with me,” Jenny asked in a soft somewhat scared voice. Miss Kim fired back saying, “Kid, can’t you see I’m doing something here? Like what’s your problem? Go play with your brother or something.”

                Just then we hear a heavy knock on the door, more like someone is pounding on the house. Miss Kim gets up still looking at her phone and opens the door. To my surprise it was a Goth boy and before I could even think it Jenny says to me, “Hey, that looks like the guy in Elizabeth’s picture by her mirror.”

                “Yeah, the one with the heart on the picture,” I said.

                The Goth dude said to Miss Kim, “What’s up?”

                Miss Kim smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss on the lips and then went back to her phone. Miss Kim and the Goth dude sat down on the sofa, for a good hour the two of them were on their phones not saying a word. Jenny and I played in her room for a little while. At one point Jenny asked me, “Joey, are you going to do something about Elizabeth’s friend? That’s not right, she’s a bad friend.”

                “You’re right Jenny, I need to do something just give me some time to figure it out,” I said.

                Kim and the Goth dude put their phones on the coffee table and started disgustingly sucking face. The bad part was Miss Kim was chewing gum and never took it out of her mouth. I crawled across the floor trying not to be seen and grabbed Miss Kim’s phone. I took a picture of the two octopuses sucking face with Miss Kim’s phone and sent it to my sister’s phone with the message. Isn’t this the guy you like that’s sucking face with your friend Miss Kim? By the way, don’t call this phone, because your little brothers going to make it go by bye-bye.

                I took Miss Kim’s phone and put it in our microwave for one minute. I looked at Jenny and said, “We need to take cover!” As we ducked behind the wall in the hallway and waited the Goth dudes phone rang. I could tell it was my sister, because the person on the phone was yelling and the Goth dude said, “But, Elizabeth, I’m not with Kim; I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  

                Just as Miss Kim says to the Goth dude, “You’re a liar!”

                Jenny and I smelled smoke, I then counted down to Jenny, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6.” BOOMMM, the microwave exploded.

                Miss Kim yelled, “What the F#@*!!!”

                I grabbed Jenny’s ears to cover up what Miss Kim said. Jenny looked at me, smiled and said, “You don’t have to cover my ears. I know what “fuck” is. That’s what Mom and Dad do in the bedroom.”

                The Goth dude yells out, “Shit, whoooow.”

                As I’m still holding on to Jenny’s ears she says, “Joey, take your hands off my ears what your doing is not working. I heard the bad Goth guy say shit and I know what that means too. That’s what we all do in the toilet closet.”

As were sitting on the floor in the hallway waiting for the smoke to clear seconds after the microwave exploded the front door burst open. Pieces of the door jam go flying and Dad runs in and yells, “Everyone out of the house!”

                We all headed out into the yard. I could still hear my sister on the Goth dudes cell phone yelling away. That night Jenny and I heard words from our parents that I had never heard as they yelled at Miss Kim. That night Miss Kim and her new boyfriend had to walk home. As for me, I was grounded for a month and had to work off the cost of a new microwave oven. My sister, on the other hand, looked at me as Jesus for what I had done to her X friend and X future boyfriend. He was scary looking anyway. 

Zombie Sister

                My sister Elizabeth is like every other Goth kid out there, a left over from Halloween. I have spoke of her from time to time, but I must express my struggle with her. Elizabeth is one that will not rise from the dead until 10:00am that’s the earliest she will rise. School days are another story. She walks the halls like a zombie, more like the bride of Frankenstein. You see she doesn't take off her white make up at night, she has black bed head hair, makes funny sounds like she’s constipated or something. Sounds like the bride of Frankenstein to me.

                It takes my sister one hour to get ready to go anywhere. On school days she has to wake up an hour ahead of time just to make it to school on time. Now let me explain my sister’s idea of what she calls Goth. After she puts on white make up and looks like a white Zombie, by the way I learned from my Dad that White Zombie was the name of a heavy metal band in the 80s, back to my sister, after the makeup she takes her Medusa hair do and make it strait as a 2x4. Her clothes look like they came from Goodwill and spent a week in Dads hamper. One day she came down for breakfast wearing a black T-shirt with a pink skull and cross bones, O’ and I forgot to mention she had on a long sleeve t-shirt and it was 75 outside. For pants she wore black cargo pants and lastly for shoes Doc Martin’s black boots which looked more like Dad’s construction boots painted black. Dad asked her, “Are you feeling OK?”

                “Yes, why do you ask?” Elizabeth said.

                “Just wondering, seeing that you’re wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and it’s 75 out. The weather man said it was going to be in the low 80s with no wind.”

                “So, I’ll be OK,” and she walked away.

                One morning my Dad asked me to wake up my sister because we were going on vacation. I went upstairs and pushed on her saying, “Wake up, sis!”

                Moans came from her mouth like a Zombie looking for food. “Come on, sis, get up we need to go,” as I pushed on her again.

                “Go away, shit head!”

                I went back down stairs and told Dad that she would not get up. Dad said, “Try harder, your mother and I need help in getting your sister out of bed.”

                “OK, I got it,” I said not liking what I was having to take care of. I went back upstairs to my sister’s room and with the help of my little sister, Jenny, we pulled all the sheets off of Elizabeth’s bed and she still didn't get up. Sis, just yelled, “Get out of here you little brats!”

                I looked at Jenny and said, “I have a plan.”

                Jenny said, “You better not do something that mommy and daddy won’t like.”

                “Don’t worry little sister, the only one that won’t like this plan is our sister.”

                I took a rope and tied one end around big sister’s feet and the other end of the rope around Jenny’s waist. I had Jenny stand on a chair so she could step over the banister.

                 Jenny looked at me a little scared and said, “I don’t know about this.”

                “Don’t worry, it will be OK. You’re only jumping four feet to the next level. Heck me and you do this all the time!”

                “Yeah, but this time you tied a rope to me with sis on the other end, “Jenny said. Obviously she was a little scared.

                ‘Don’t worry, just jump. Sis will be ok she’ll just land on all the pillows and blankets on the floor.”

                “OK, Joey, but you owe me one. You’re going to have to come to one of my tea parties.”

                “Ok, Ok, fine. Just jump!”

                “Alright!”

                Jenny jumped off the banister with the rope around her waist, Jenny hit the wall and was stopped in midair. Another two feet and she would have it to the floor. Jenny yelled out, “It didn't work!”

                “Hold on, I can fix this.”

                I ran down to the next level on the stairs where Jenny was and jumped up to grab on to her. I bear hugged her and held on tight. As soon as I grabbed her, the rope moved and Jenny and I fell to the floor, with Jenny landing on me with a thud she took the wind out of my lungs. At the same time we hit I heard a second thud and then.

                “Joey Stein, you little shit, I’m gonna get you!!!!”

                I got up and run like hell on fire, and looked back and saw my big sister right behind me. When I ran past dad I yelled out, “Elizabeth’s out of bed now, Dad.”

PUTTING THE SEAT DOWN

                In my house we have one bathroom but it’s big. The toilet sits in a room by itself in the bathroom. It’s like a closet for the toilet. Dad and I never close the door to the toilet closet. Dad tells Mom that he can’t turn around after he’s done because the closet’s too small. I don’t close the door because I’m too lazy to care. Mom, Elizabeth, and Jenny, they all close the door. I hate it when Mom closes the door because every time I need to ask her a question she’s in the bathroom and I have to talk to the bathroom door in order to talk to her. When Mom is in the bathroom she’s in there for a long time with her zombie phone or with a book. Mom calls the toilet closet the library. I just don’t know why because there are no book shelves with books on them in the bathroom.

                Mom, Elizabeth and Jenny battle every day with dad and me because we always forget to put the seat down. One night Mom got up about two in the morning to use the bathroom (Dad was the last one in the bathroom before Mom). She sat down in the dark to use the bathroom and forgot to check to see if Dad put down the seat. Mom yelled out Dad’s full name and even spoke a little French. Mom’s yelling woke up the whole house and everyone ran to the bathroom thinking something was wrong with her. For one hour Mom and Dad were talking, more like yelling back and forth about the toilet seat being up or down. My sister, Elizabeth, yelled a number of times, “Will you two shut up and go to sleep?”

                I would yell out after that, “Thanks, Sis.”

                Mom or Dad would chime in, “You kids need to go to sleep, don’t worry about what your parents are doing.”

                Elizabeth would fire back, “Well, we would sleep if you two would stop arguing about a stupid toilet seat.”

                Morning came, Mom didn't say a word to Dad, I think she was still mad at him. Breakfast was like silent lunch at school for everyone was still sleepy from being kept awake part of the night. After breakfast, dad left the house for work. About two hours passed and while I was playing in my room, I heard a beeping sound, like one of Dad’s trucks backing up. I ran to the Kitchen and looked out on the deck and saw Dad offloading a Poor a John on to our deck.

                “Joey, get out here and help!” Dad yelled.

                We placed the Poor a John on the deck and up against the house. I asked Dad, “Why do we have a Poor a John on the deck? Are we setting up a homeless shelter?”

                Dad answered back, “No, and it’s not a Poor a John, it’s a Port a John. This is going to be our new bathroom, the men’s room.” 

                “What about the winter time? It will be too cold to use?”

                “Just grin and bear it, kid.”

                Dad went into the house and informed Mom what he had done. Mom said, “So now when I sit out on the deck I have to look at one of your shitters.”

                “Well, look at it this way, honey, at least your ass won’t fall into the toilet during the night, “Dad shot back as he smiled.

Batman meets Frozen

            Gotham was quiet, on the edge of the park. I, Batman enjoyed a hot dog from Joe’s Hot Cart on the edge of the park. Joe made a good dog, because his dog’s were red while everyone else’s were brown. As I stood on the edge of a building waiting for the sun to go down over Gotham, I spotted a little girl. The girl was skipping down the side walk along the park. She was dressed in blue with blonde hair. When the little girl got closer, I heard her singing, “I’m going to see Frozen, I’m going to see Frozen, I’m go to see Frozen, on Ice.”

            “What in the blue blazes? Frozen on Ice?” I muttered with a questionable look.

            “Joey, finish your lunch. We’re going out,” mom yelled.

            “Where we going?” I asked as I pulled up my utility belt.

            “We’re going to see Frozen silly,” Jenny almost yelled barely able to contain her excitement about going.

            “Frozen? Frozen what?”

            Mom leaned down to explain, “Joey, we’re all going to see Disney’s Frozen on Ice at the Portland Civic Center, so we need to get going.”

            “Do I have to change into mild mannered Joey Stein or can I still be The Batman?” I asked hopping I could hide myself behind the mask.

            “That’s fine Joey,” Mom said.

            We arrived at the Civic Center in the Bat van, Mom, Jenny in her blue princes dress, and me, Batman. As we got closer to the entrance I saw multiples of Jenny a sea of, blue dressed girls. It was scary, I stopped counting blue dresses at about 50. While my family stood in line waiting to get in, a little girl, younger than my sister, pulls on my cap.

            “I’m Elsa, the Ice Princess. Who are you supposed to be?”

            I looked down at the cool aid faced little girl and said, “I’m Batman.”

            “Okkkkkk, but Batman’s not in Frozen?”

            “Can you keep a secret, little princess?” I asked.

            The little girl knotted her head really fast. “I’m here to find the Iceman and bring him to justice.”

            “Who’s the Iceman?”

            “The Iceman makes everything cold and he likes to hang out in cold places like an ice show,” I said with a smile.

            “Ooooooooooo, ok,” The little girl turns around and looks at her mother and says, “Mom! Mom, the bat kid in front of me told me a secret. He said he was looking for some Icemen or was it ice cream?”

            We came up to the ticket person and they said, “Sorry ma’am, you have blue ice tickets which means you need to have princess dresses to get the discounted seats. My mother looked at the man taking tickets and said, “But, he’s a boy and not a girl!”

            “Sorry lady, I don’t make the rules, the Batboy here.” Pointing at me, “He’s going to have to have a dress or you won’t go in with the bat.”

            I was beyond insulted. I told the ticket guy, “He buddy, I’m Batman, not Batboy!”

            “Mommy, we can’t miss the show. You told me we were going to see Frozen,” Jenny piped up.

            The ticket man said, “Look lady, over by the entrance is a merchant’s booth with dresses and other items that you might find that will help. You may even find a dress that will fit The Batman here.”

            “That’s right, buddy you got it,” I said. My mother leaned down to meet me eye to eye and said, “Joey…. I need a favor from you.”

            “Mom, you already asked me to wear a dress once already,” I said.

            “Look Joey, do it for your little sister you know how much she likes Frozen.” Mom asked.

            “But, Mom!!!”

            “You know something, if Batman was asked to help out a little girl he would do it.”

            I looked at Mom in the face and said, “Why did you have to say that, now I’m going to have to wear the dress.”

            “Sorry.. Joey.”

            “I have some conditions Mom.”

            “Tell me, what are they?”

            “1^st I’m not taking off my mask and second I get to pick out my own dress.”

            “OK batman, you’re a good brother and an even better son.”

            “Thanks, Mom.”

            Even though I got a lot of strange looks as the Batman in a blue dress, I found that the Frozen show was pretty good. Also, my little sister told me I was the greatest brother and she gave me a long hug. Then she really made Batman’s day with her comment that I looked nice in a blue dress. 

Leprechaun Trap

            In kindergarten you get to draw, play, make stuff and have someone read to you. We learn how to clean up; I hate to clean up. One day Miss. P. pulled out some boxes that were mostly green with sparkly things. Miss P. said, “Now class these are Leprechaun traps. Does anyone know what a Leprechaun is?”

            Little Miss Katie Manfield put her hand up and said, “O me, me!!”

            “Go ahead Katie,” Miss. P. said.

            “A Leprechaun is a little green man that likes money,” Katie said.

            “That’s right Katie, a Leprechaun is a little man that likes money. Also, a Leprechaun is a type of fairy that comes from Irish stories. Besides collecting money, he also likes to cause mischief and he is always dressed in green,” Miss P. explained. What Miss. P. said sounded a lot like one of my great uncles that my Dad talks about. He always says that he acts like a little fairy. By the way, he likes wearing green, because I always see him in something green.

            “Now class, I have in front of me some Leprechaun traps here today.  Take a look at what you might like,” Miss. P. said.

I looked over the traps spread across the table and saw some strange traps, but they were so small. There were some box traps, hat traps and all of them had something gold. I looked at Miss. P. and asked, “If a Leprechaun is as small as us then how will the Leprechaun fit into these little traps.”

            Miss. P. informed us, “Leprechauns can make themselves smaller, in order to not be seen getting gold. They can fit into the smallest of spaces! Why do you think no one ever sees one? ”

            I took home that information Miss. P. told us about Leprechauns. I had one week to make a trap and figure out how to catch a Leprechaun. A week passed and the teacher, Miss. P. told everyone to put their projects on the back tables and we would look at them, one by one. Miss P. looked over the projects and then looked at me and said, “Joey, I’m puzzled where is your Leprechaun project.”

            “Sorry Miss P. my project was damaged after I caught a Leprechaun. I have everything on video,” I said holding up a flash drive.

            Miss P. looked to be taken by surprise and asked me, “OK, Joey, let’s put your video on the smart board and see your Leprechaun.”

            Miss P. opened up the video for the class to see. It opened with me narrating.

            “Ok, folks, as you can see I have a small animal trap that grabs the leg when you step on the button like this.” In the video I pushed the button and the two metal arms come up to make a snapping sound, like an alligator’s mouth. The whole class jump in their seats and Miss P. looks at me.

            “Now folks, I have laid the trap on the floor, so the Leprechaun doesn't see it, I am covering it with a small carpet. Alright, seeing that I have no gold, I am going to use Mom’s purse as bait.” A minute goes by and then a noise on the video. “Shh, we need to be quiet, here comes the Leprechaun.” A short little man comes into the room dressed all in a green suit with a green hat, around on top of his head. He had a beard that’s all white, but no mustache and he walked like a weeble wobble toward Mom’s purse. “Watch this folks, see the Leprechaun he’s looking around to see if anyone is looking before he looks in the purse.” The Leprechaun picked up the purse after looking around, opened it pulled out Mom’s wallet and then pulls out $200.00 and sticks it in his back pocket. My class was shocked and so was Miss P.

            “Alright kids, here it comes.” The Leprechaun took one step to walk forward, and then SNAP!!! The trap got his leg along with the carpet that was covering it. The Leprechaun fell back and Mom’s purse went flying; I never in my life knew that my mom could get so much stuff in to one purse. The Leprechaun started yelling, “WHAT THE #@!!!?, G-HAW#!@%!!”

            Miss P. shouted, “Class, cover your ears,” as she scrambled to mute the sound on the video.

            Thanks to me, my Mom and Dad found out that Uncle Mickey was taking money from them. My big sister, Elizabeth, was happy also because Mom and Dad had been pointing fingers at her for the missing money. Uncle Mickey, aka The Leprechaun, wasn't so happy because I gave him a broken leg with my trap and Mom and Dad got him put in jail for a time and what about Miss P.? Well, she was somewhere in the middle, not happy with me, but not mad. She did give me a “D” on my Leprechaun Trap with the stern warning to never do a project like that again during my time at John F. Kennedy Elementary.  

Phone Zombies

       
    The day started like any other, Mom made breakfast. As Jenny and I sat eating our breakfast Mom slowly pulled out her cell phone and started looking at it. Mom had one of those smart phones that could go online and do half a dozen other things. The phone was one of those deals Dad got, I think like a buy one get one free thing.

                At one point, I needed some more juice, so I asked Mom, “Mom, I need some more Juice.”

                Mom said, “OK, just one minute.” She never looked up.

 Two minutes went by and again I asked, “Mom, it’s been two minutes, I need some juice over here!”

Mom still looking at her phone said, “OK” and still didn't move or take her eye off the phone.

Jenny asked, “What’s wrong with Mommy?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a questionable look.

Just then Dad came down and he was looking at his phone. “Hey, Dad can you help me, I need some more juice and Mom’s not responding. I think she’s glued to that phone you got her.”

Dad didn't even look up from his phone and said, “OK, I've got to go to work.” And Dad walk out the door.

Jenny looked at me and I look at her and she said, “What is going on, Joey?”

“I don’t know, Jenny?”

Just after Dad walked out the door, Elizabeth, my big sister came down with her phone in hand.

“Hey, Sis, can you get me some more juice,” I asked hoping she would help me out.

“Sure, look in the refrigerator,” she said not even looking up from her phone. I hit my head with my right hand and thought what a kid has to do to get a glass of juice. The front door slams shut and I looked over at where Mom was sitting and she was gone.  My big sister was gone to. I looked at my little sister and said, “Where home alone, O’ no!!!”

All my little sister did was scream. After about an hour of blood curdling screaming she stopped. I made us PB and J sandwiches for lunch. By late afternoon the Phone zombies showed up still glued to their phones. Jenny and I were fed dinner. It wasn't pretty. Night fell upon the house and everyone was in bed. That night I rounded up all the cell phones and dumped them in the toilet. To make sure they wouldn't use the phone again I sat down on the toilet and released the Kraken upon them. I even left the toilet seat up while the whole soupy mess stewed overnight.    

Come morning, I got my point across and Dad had to buy new phones for everyone.   

Our Dog Keeper

                Our dog, Keeper, is a good dog. He’s better than our past dogs. We named him, Keeper, because Mom and Dad always had problems with dogs. We had one dog that would not stop barking, it barked non-stop, to the point one of our neighbors thought we had rare African bird in our yard. The dog bark sounded like a strange bird from a distance. We had to get rid of that dog. Another dog was a Siberian husky. He was big, I didn’t like him he scared me. He also scared my little sister and Mom. The husky didn’t scare my Dad, but the husky was scared of my big sister, Elizabeth. Every time she came around he would go hide under the coffee table. I think it was because all that Goth make up she wore. Sad to say, but the husky had to go to a friend adopted him to live on his farm with two other dogs.

                When Dad found Keeper he told Mom this is the last dog. So Mom told Dad, “Fine, we’ll call him, Keeper.” Keeper is a big dog trapped in a little dog’s body. He weighs about 30Ibs and sounds like he’s a 100Lbs.

                Well let me tell you about one of Keepers tales, not that he has more than one tail, I mean stories. My Dad always tells Mom and my big sister to put female type things in the trash can and not down the toilet. He says only toilet paper should be put in the toilet, and to think about the stuff that needs to be cleaned out of waste water. My Mom and sister understood, while Keeper was a puppy he understood what was in the trash can and from time to time he would empty out the trash can. All over the bathroom floor, hallway and sometimes the living room floor, bathroom trash would be spread every were. My Dad got mad at us kids and the dog, because we would forget to close the bathroom door and the dog would of course dump out the trash can. One night the family was watching a movie. Keeper started coughing and then sounded like she was chocking. The whole family looked at the dog and before Dad could get out of this chair to help Keeper a big white thing flew out of her month. The object flew across the room and landed behind one of Mom’s house plants. Dad checked on the dog after all of us looked at each other wondering what flew out of the dog’s month. My sister Elizabeth went over to the house plant and picked up the item when she found it. At first we didn’t know what it was. All you saw was a string hooked to a fluffy long white object with spots of red on it. Then my sister yells out, “Hey, I know what it is, it’s a used Tampon!”

                My little sister and I ran out of the living room in disgust. Mom yelled, “Elizabeth, throw that away!”

                My Dad said, “See now everyone will remember to close the bathroom door.”