Cell Phone Baby Sitter

                From time to time my Parents go out by themselves. They call it Mommy/ Daddy time. My little sister and I call it baby sitter time. Sometimes our big sister watches us or even worse a baby sitter. First off I’m not a baby. Jenny might still be one, but me, I’m too old to be a baby. Mom and Dad always tells me that I can’t be alone because I might burn down the house and I always tell them, “Look how was I to know you couldn't put tin foil in the microwave, if you guys thought there was a sticker on the microwave that said no metal items then you’re mistaken!” The Microwave is but another story for later.

                One night, we had to have a baby sitter because Mom and Dad needed that special time. Mom had to get a different baby sitter, the regular one, Miss Jackie as she was called, was out of town. Jenny was not happy at all. She liked Miss Jackie, because she played tea time with Jenny.

                Our sister, Elizabeth, was also going to be out of town for a school trip. It ended up Mom got a baby sitter who just happened to be one of Elizabeth’s Goth friends.

                Six pm at the Stein residence came and the doorbell rang. At the door my parents greeted the baby sitter Kim. Kim was a lot like my sister, the bride of Frankenstein, minus the white makeup. I guess Kim figured she wasn't going to a Halloween party so she should look somewhat human. Kim was dressed in a black long sleeve shirt with black and white strips a black dress which stopped at her knee caps. Her socks covered her legs and she had on black work boots with pink shoe laces of all things. Dr. Phil should do a show on her called “Disney Princess Gone Bad.”

                Anyways, Kim played nice and Mom and Dad headed out the door and told Kim that they would be back at 11:00pm and that Jenny and I needed to be in bed by no later than 8:45pm. Mom and Dad’s car, AKA the Bat Van, pulled away and Miss Kim sat down on the sofa popped on the idiot box as Mom called it. The room was silent minus the TV and then it happened. The baby sitter whipped out something Jenny and myself hated with a passion. It was one of the worst things ever created by man, so dark and evil, it could suck the life out of a person. It was a pink cell phone, Jenny looked at me and said, “Look, Joey, it’s one of those Zombie phones.”

                I didn’t say a word I just looked at Miss Kim pecking away at the screen. Jenny went up to Miss Kim while she was glued to her little screen.

                “Miss Kim, will you play tea time with me,” Jenny asked in a soft somewhat scared voice. Miss Kim fired back saying, “Kid, can’t you see I’m doing something here? Like what’s your problem? Go play with your brother or something.”

                Just then we hear a heavy knock on the door, more like someone is pounding on the house. Miss Kim gets up still looking at her phone and opens the door. To my surprise it was a Goth boy and before I could even think it Jenny says to me, “Hey, that looks like the guy in Elizabeth’s picture by her mirror.”

                “Yeah, the one with the heart on the picture,” I said.

                The Goth dude said to Miss Kim, “What’s up?”

                Miss Kim smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss on the lips and then went back to her phone. Miss Kim and the Goth dude sat down on the sofa, for a good hour the two of them were on their phones not saying a word. Jenny and I played in her room for a little while. At one point Jenny asked me, “Joey, are you going to do something about Elizabeth’s friend? That’s not right, she’s a bad friend.”

                “You’re right Jenny, I need to do something just give me some time to figure it out,” I said.

                Kim and the Goth dude put their phones on the coffee table and started disgustingly sucking face. The bad part was Miss Kim was chewing gum and never took it out of her mouth. I crawled across the floor trying not to be seen and grabbed Miss Kim’s phone. I took a picture of the two octopuses sucking face with Miss Kim’s phone and sent it to my sister’s phone with the message. Isn’t this the guy you like that’s sucking face with your friend Miss Kim? By the way, don’t call this phone, because your little brothers going to make it go by bye-bye.

                I took Miss Kim’s phone and put it in our microwave for one minute. I looked at Jenny and said, “We need to take cover!” As we ducked behind the wall in the hallway and waited the Goth dudes phone rang. I could tell it was my sister, because the person on the phone was yelling and the Goth dude said, “But, Elizabeth, I’m not with Kim; I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  

                Just as Miss Kim says to the Goth dude, “You’re a liar!”

                Jenny and I smelled smoke, I then counted down to Jenny, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6.” BOOMMM, the microwave exploded.

                Miss Kim yelled, “What the F#@*!!!”

                I grabbed Jenny’s ears to cover up what Miss Kim said. Jenny looked at me, smiled and said, “You don’t have to cover my ears. I know what “fuck” is. That’s what Mom and Dad do in the bedroom.”

                The Goth dude yells out, “Shit, whoooow.”

                As I’m still holding on to Jenny’s ears she says, “Joey, take your hands off my ears what your doing is not working. I heard the bad Goth guy say shit and I know what that means too. That’s what we all do in the toilet closet.”

As were sitting on the floor in the hallway waiting for the smoke to clear seconds after the microwave exploded the front door burst open. Pieces of the door jam go flying and Dad runs in and yells, “Everyone out of the house!”

                We all headed out into the yard. I could still hear my sister on the Goth dudes cell phone yelling away. That night Jenny and I heard words from our parents that I had never heard as they yelled at Miss Kim. That night Miss Kim and her new boyfriend had to walk home. As for me, I was grounded for a month and had to work off the cost of a new microwave oven. My sister, on the other hand, looked at me as Jesus for what I had done to her X friend and X future boyfriend. He was scary looking anyway. 

Zombie Sister

                My sister Elizabeth is like every other Goth kid out there, a left over from Halloween. I have spoke of her from time to time, but I must express my struggle with her. Elizabeth is one that will not rise from the dead until 10:00am that’s the earliest she will rise. School days are another story. She walks the halls like a zombie, more like the bride of Frankenstein. You see she doesn't take off her white make up at night, she has black bed head hair, makes funny sounds like she’s constipated or something. Sounds like the bride of Frankenstein to me.

                It takes my sister one hour to get ready to go anywhere. On school days she has to wake up an hour ahead of time just to make it to school on time. Now let me explain my sister’s idea of what she calls Goth. After she puts on white make up and looks like a white Zombie, by the way I learned from my Dad that White Zombie was the name of a heavy metal band in the 80s, back to my sister, after the makeup she takes her Medusa hair do and make it strait as a 2x4. Her clothes look like they came from Goodwill and spent a week in Dads hamper. One day she came down for breakfast wearing a black T-shirt with a pink skull and cross bones, O’ and I forgot to mention she had on a long sleeve t-shirt and it was 75 outside. For pants she wore black cargo pants and lastly for shoes Doc Martin’s black boots which looked more like Dad’s construction boots painted black. Dad asked her, “Are you feeling OK?”

                “Yes, why do you ask?” Elizabeth said.

                “Just wondering, seeing that you’re wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and it’s 75 out. The weather man said it was going to be in the low 80s with no wind.”

                “So, I’ll be OK,” and she walked away.

                One morning my Dad asked me to wake up my sister because we were going on vacation. I went upstairs and pushed on her saying, “Wake up, sis!”

                Moans came from her mouth like a Zombie looking for food. “Come on, sis, get up we need to go,” as I pushed on her again.

                “Go away, shit head!”

                I went back down stairs and told Dad that she would not get up. Dad said, “Try harder, your mother and I need help in getting your sister out of bed.”

                “OK, I got it,” I said not liking what I was having to take care of. I went back upstairs to my sister’s room and with the help of my little sister, Jenny, we pulled all the sheets off of Elizabeth’s bed and she still didn't get up. Sis, just yelled, “Get out of here you little brats!”

                I looked at Jenny and said, “I have a plan.”

                Jenny said, “You better not do something that mommy and daddy won’t like.”

                “Don’t worry little sister, the only one that won’t like this plan is our sister.”

                I took a rope and tied one end around big sister’s feet and the other end of the rope around Jenny’s waist. I had Jenny stand on a chair so she could step over the banister.

                 Jenny looked at me a little scared and said, “I don’t know about this.”

                “Don’t worry, it will be OK. You’re only jumping four feet to the next level. Heck me and you do this all the time!”

                “Yeah, but this time you tied a rope to me with sis on the other end, “Jenny said. Obviously she was a little scared.

                ‘Don’t worry, just jump. Sis will be ok she’ll just land on all the pillows and blankets on the floor.”

                “OK, Joey, but you owe me one. You’re going to have to come to one of my tea parties.”

                “Ok, Ok, fine. Just jump!”

                “Alright!”

                Jenny jumped off the banister with the rope around her waist, Jenny hit the wall and was stopped in midair. Another two feet and she would have it to the floor. Jenny yelled out, “It didn't work!”

                “Hold on, I can fix this.”

                I ran down to the next level on the stairs where Jenny was and jumped up to grab on to her. I bear hugged her and held on tight. As soon as I grabbed her, the rope moved and Jenny and I fell to the floor, with Jenny landing on me with a thud she took the wind out of my lungs. At the same time we hit I heard a second thud and then.

                “Joey Stein, you little shit, I’m gonna get you!!!!”

                I got up and run like hell on fire, and looked back and saw my big sister right behind me. When I ran past dad I yelled out, “Elizabeth’s out of bed now, Dad.”

PUTTING THE SEAT DOWN

                In my house we have one bathroom but it’s big. The toilet sits in a room by itself in the bathroom. It’s like a closet for the toilet. Dad and I never close the door to the toilet closet. Dad tells Mom that he can’t turn around after he’s done because the closet’s too small. I don’t close the door because I’m too lazy to care. Mom, Elizabeth, and Jenny, they all close the door. I hate it when Mom closes the door because every time I need to ask her a question she’s in the bathroom and I have to talk to the bathroom door in order to talk to her. When Mom is in the bathroom she’s in there for a long time with her zombie phone or with a book. Mom calls the toilet closet the library. I just don’t know why because there are no book shelves with books on them in the bathroom.

                Mom, Elizabeth and Jenny battle every day with dad and me because we always forget to put the seat down. One night Mom got up about two in the morning to use the bathroom (Dad was the last one in the bathroom before Mom). She sat down in the dark to use the bathroom and forgot to check to see if Dad put down the seat. Mom yelled out Dad’s full name and even spoke a little French. Mom’s yelling woke up the whole house and everyone ran to the bathroom thinking something was wrong with her. For one hour Mom and Dad were talking, more like yelling back and forth about the toilet seat being up or down. My sister, Elizabeth, yelled a number of times, “Will you two shut up and go to sleep?”

                I would yell out after that, “Thanks, Sis.”

                Mom or Dad would chime in, “You kids need to go to sleep, don’t worry about what your parents are doing.”

                Elizabeth would fire back, “Well, we would sleep if you two would stop arguing about a stupid toilet seat.”

                Morning came, Mom didn't say a word to Dad, I think she was still mad at him. Breakfast was like silent lunch at school for everyone was still sleepy from being kept awake part of the night. After breakfast, dad left the house for work. About two hours passed and while I was playing in my room, I heard a beeping sound, like one of Dad’s trucks backing up. I ran to the Kitchen and looked out on the deck and saw Dad offloading a Poor a John on to our deck.

                “Joey, get out here and help!” Dad yelled.

                We placed the Poor a John on the deck and up against the house. I asked Dad, “Why do we have a Poor a John on the deck? Are we setting up a homeless shelter?”

                Dad answered back, “No, and it’s not a Poor a John, it’s a Port a John. This is going to be our new bathroom, the men’s room.” 

                “What about the winter time? It will be too cold to use?”

                “Just grin and bear it, kid.”

                Dad went into the house and informed Mom what he had done. Mom said, “So now when I sit out on the deck I have to look at one of your shitters.”

                “Well, look at it this way, honey, at least your ass won’t fall into the toilet during the night, “Dad shot back as he smiled.

Batman meets Frozen

            Gotham was quiet, on the edge of the park. I, Batman enjoyed a hot dog from Joe’s Hot Cart on the edge of the park. Joe made a good dog, because his dog’s were red while everyone else’s were brown. As I stood on the edge of a building waiting for the sun to go down over Gotham, I spotted a little girl. The girl was skipping down the side walk along the park. She was dressed in blue with blonde hair. When the little girl got closer, I heard her singing, “I’m going to see Frozen, I’m going to see Frozen, I’m go to see Frozen, on Ice.”

            “What in the blue blazes? Frozen on Ice?” I muttered with a questionable look.

            “Joey, finish your lunch. We’re going out,” mom yelled.

            “Where we going?” I asked as I pulled up my utility belt.

            “We’re going to see Frozen silly,” Jenny almost yelled barely able to contain her excitement about going.

            “Frozen? Frozen what?”

            Mom leaned down to explain, “Joey, we’re all going to see Disney’s Frozen on Ice at the Portland Civic Center, so we need to get going.”

            “Do I have to change into mild mannered Joey Stein or can I still be The Batman?” I asked hopping I could hide myself behind the mask.

            “That’s fine Joey,” Mom said.

            We arrived at the Civic Center in the Bat van, Mom, Jenny in her blue princes dress, and me, Batman. As we got closer to the entrance I saw multiples of Jenny a sea of, blue dressed girls. It was scary, I stopped counting blue dresses at about 50. While my family stood in line waiting to get in, a little girl, younger than my sister, pulls on my cap.

            “I’m Elsa, the Ice Princess. Who are you supposed to be?”

            I looked down at the cool aid faced little girl and said, “I’m Batman.”

            “Okkkkkk, but Batman’s not in Frozen?”

            “Can you keep a secret, little princess?” I asked.

            The little girl knotted her head really fast. “I’m here to find the Iceman and bring him to justice.”

            “Who’s the Iceman?”

            “The Iceman makes everything cold and he likes to hang out in cold places like an ice show,” I said with a smile.

            “Ooooooooooo, ok,” The little girl turns around and looks at her mother and says, “Mom! Mom, the bat kid in front of me told me a secret. He said he was looking for some Icemen or was it ice cream?”

            We came up to the ticket person and they said, “Sorry ma’am, you have blue ice tickets which means you need to have princess dresses to get the discounted seats. My mother looked at the man taking tickets and said, “But, he’s a boy and not a girl!”

            “Sorry lady, I don’t make the rules, the Batboy here.” Pointing at me, “He’s going to have to have a dress or you won’t go in with the bat.”

            I was beyond insulted. I told the ticket guy, “He buddy, I’m Batman, not Batboy!”

            “Mommy, we can’t miss the show. You told me we were going to see Frozen,” Jenny piped up.

            The ticket man said, “Look lady, over by the entrance is a merchant’s booth with dresses and other items that you might find that will help. You may even find a dress that will fit The Batman here.”

            “That’s right, buddy you got it,” I said. My mother leaned down to meet me eye to eye and said, “Joey…. I need a favor from you.”

            “Mom, you already asked me to wear a dress once already,” I said.

            “Look Joey, do it for your little sister you know how much she likes Frozen.” Mom asked.

            “But, Mom!!!”

            “You know something, if Batman was asked to help out a little girl he would do it.”

            I looked at Mom in the face and said, “Why did you have to say that, now I’m going to have to wear the dress.”

            “Sorry.. Joey.”

            “I have some conditions Mom.”

            “Tell me, what are they?”

            “1^st I’m not taking off my mask and second I get to pick out my own dress.”

            “OK batman, you’re a good brother and an even better son.”

            “Thanks, Mom.”

            Even though I got a lot of strange looks as the Batman in a blue dress, I found that the Frozen show was pretty good. Also, my little sister told me I was the greatest brother and she gave me a long hug. Then she really made Batman’s day with her comment that I looked nice in a blue dress. 

Leprechaun Trap

            In kindergarten you get to draw, play, make stuff and have someone read to you. We learn how to clean up; I hate to clean up. One day Miss. P. pulled out some boxes that were mostly green with sparkly things. Miss P. said, “Now class these are Leprechaun traps. Does anyone know what a Leprechaun is?”

            Little Miss Katie Manfield put her hand up and said, “O me, me!!”

            “Go ahead Katie,” Miss. P. said.

            “A Leprechaun is a little green man that likes money,” Katie said.

            “That’s right Katie, a Leprechaun is a little man that likes money. Also, a Leprechaun is a type of fairy that comes from Irish stories. Besides collecting money, he also likes to cause mischief and he is always dressed in green,” Miss P. explained. What Miss. P. said sounded a lot like one of my great uncles that my Dad talks about. He always says that he acts like a little fairy. By the way, he likes wearing green, because I always see him in something green.

            “Now class, I have in front of me some Leprechaun traps here today.  Take a look at what you might like,” Miss. P. said.

I looked over the traps spread across the table and saw some strange traps, but they were so small. There were some box traps, hat traps and all of them had something gold. I looked at Miss. P. and asked, “If a Leprechaun is as small as us then how will the Leprechaun fit into these little traps.”

            Miss. P. informed us, “Leprechauns can make themselves smaller, in order to not be seen getting gold. They can fit into the smallest of spaces! Why do you think no one ever sees one? ”

            I took home that information Miss. P. told us about Leprechauns. I had one week to make a trap and figure out how to catch a Leprechaun. A week passed and the teacher, Miss. P. told everyone to put their projects on the back tables and we would look at them, one by one. Miss P. looked over the projects and then looked at me and said, “Joey, I’m puzzled where is your Leprechaun project.”

            “Sorry Miss P. my project was damaged after I caught a Leprechaun. I have everything on video,” I said holding up a flash drive.

            Miss P. looked to be taken by surprise and asked me, “OK, Joey, let’s put your video on the smart board and see your Leprechaun.”

            Miss P. opened up the video for the class to see. It opened with me narrating.

            “Ok, folks, as you can see I have a small animal trap that grabs the leg when you step on the button like this.” In the video I pushed the button and the two metal arms come up to make a snapping sound, like an alligator’s mouth. The whole class jump in their seats and Miss P. looks at me.

            “Now folks, I have laid the trap on the floor, so the Leprechaun doesn't see it, I am covering it with a small carpet. Alright, seeing that I have no gold, I am going to use Mom’s purse as bait.” A minute goes by and then a noise on the video. “Shh, we need to be quiet, here comes the Leprechaun.” A short little man comes into the room dressed all in a green suit with a green hat, around on top of his head. He had a beard that’s all white, but no mustache and he walked like a weeble wobble toward Mom’s purse. “Watch this folks, see the Leprechaun he’s looking around to see if anyone is looking before he looks in the purse.” The Leprechaun picked up the purse after looking around, opened it pulled out Mom’s wallet and then pulls out $200.00 and sticks it in his back pocket. My class was shocked and so was Miss P.

            “Alright kids, here it comes.” The Leprechaun took one step to walk forward, and then SNAP!!! The trap got his leg along with the carpet that was covering it. The Leprechaun fell back and Mom’s purse went flying; I never in my life knew that my mom could get so much stuff in to one purse. The Leprechaun started yelling, “WHAT THE #@!!!?, G-HAW#!@%!!”

            Miss P. shouted, “Class, cover your ears,” as she scrambled to mute the sound on the video.

            Thanks to me, my Mom and Dad found out that Uncle Mickey was taking money from them. My big sister, Elizabeth, was happy also because Mom and Dad had been pointing fingers at her for the missing money. Uncle Mickey, aka The Leprechaun, wasn't so happy because I gave him a broken leg with my trap and Mom and Dad got him put in jail for a time and what about Miss P.? Well, she was somewhere in the middle, not happy with me, but not mad. She did give me a “D” on my Leprechaun Trap with the stern warning to never do a project like that again during my time at John F. Kennedy Elementary.  

Phone Zombies

       
    The day started like any other, Mom made breakfast. As Jenny and I sat eating our breakfast Mom slowly pulled out her cell phone and started looking at it. Mom had one of those smart phones that could go online and do half a dozen other things. The phone was one of those deals Dad got, I think like a buy one get one free thing.

                At one point, I needed some more juice, so I asked Mom, “Mom, I need some more Juice.”

                Mom said, “OK, just one minute.” She never looked up.

 Two minutes went by and again I asked, “Mom, it’s been two minutes, I need some juice over here!”

Mom still looking at her phone said, “OK” and still didn't move or take her eye off the phone.

Jenny asked, “What’s wrong with Mommy?”

“I don’t know,” I said with a questionable look.

Just then Dad came down and he was looking at his phone. “Hey, Dad can you help me, I need some more juice and Mom’s not responding. I think she’s glued to that phone you got her.”

Dad didn't even look up from his phone and said, “OK, I've got to go to work.” And Dad walk out the door.

Jenny looked at me and I look at her and she said, “What is going on, Joey?”

“I don’t know, Jenny?”

Just after Dad walked out the door, Elizabeth, my big sister came down with her phone in hand.

“Hey, Sis, can you get me some more juice,” I asked hoping she would help me out.

“Sure, look in the refrigerator,” she said not even looking up from her phone. I hit my head with my right hand and thought what a kid has to do to get a glass of juice. The front door slams shut and I looked over at where Mom was sitting and she was gone.  My big sister was gone to. I looked at my little sister and said, “Where home alone, O’ no!!!”

All my little sister did was scream. After about an hour of blood curdling screaming she stopped. I made us PB and J sandwiches for lunch. By late afternoon the Phone zombies showed up still glued to their phones. Jenny and I were fed dinner. It wasn't pretty. Night fell upon the house and everyone was in bed. That night I rounded up all the cell phones and dumped them in the toilet. To make sure they wouldn't use the phone again I sat down on the toilet and released the Kraken upon them. I even left the toilet seat up while the whole soupy mess stewed overnight.    

Come morning, I got my point across and Dad had to buy new phones for everyone.   

Our Dog Keeper

                Our dog, Keeper, is a good dog. He’s better than our past dogs. We named him, Keeper, because Mom and Dad always had problems with dogs. We had one dog that would not stop barking, it barked non-stop, to the point one of our neighbors thought we had rare African bird in our yard. The dog bark sounded like a strange bird from a distance. We had to get rid of that dog. Another dog was a Siberian husky. He was big, I didn’t like him he scared me. He also scared my little sister and Mom. The husky didn’t scare my Dad, but the husky was scared of my big sister, Elizabeth. Every time she came around he would go hide under the coffee table. I think it was because all that Goth make up she wore. Sad to say, but the husky had to go to a friend adopted him to live on his farm with two other dogs.

                When Dad found Keeper he told Mom this is the last dog. So Mom told Dad, “Fine, we’ll call him, Keeper.” Keeper is a big dog trapped in a little dog’s body. He weighs about 30Ibs and sounds like he’s a 100Lbs.

                Well let me tell you about one of Keepers tales, not that he has more than one tail, I mean stories. My Dad always tells Mom and my big sister to put female type things in the trash can and not down the toilet. He says only toilet paper should be put in the toilet, and to think about the stuff that needs to be cleaned out of waste water. My Mom and sister understood, while Keeper was a puppy he understood what was in the trash can and from time to time he would empty out the trash can. All over the bathroom floor, hallway and sometimes the living room floor, bathroom trash would be spread every were. My Dad got mad at us kids and the dog, because we would forget to close the bathroom door and the dog would of course dump out the trash can. One night the family was watching a movie. Keeper started coughing and then sounded like she was chocking. The whole family looked at the dog and before Dad could get out of this chair to help Keeper a big white thing flew out of her month. The object flew across the room and landed behind one of Mom’s house plants. Dad checked on the dog after all of us looked at each other wondering what flew out of the dog’s month. My sister Elizabeth went over to the house plant and picked up the item when she found it. At first we didn’t know what it was. All you saw was a string hooked to a fluffy long white object with spots of red on it. Then my sister yells out, “Hey, I know what it is, it’s a used Tampon!”

                My little sister and I ran out of the living room in disgust. Mom yelled, “Elizabeth, throw that away!”

                My Dad said, “See now everyone will remember to close the bathroom door.”        

Spellcheck

When I write something in Microsoft Word and spell it wrong it underlines it and then tells me what words it thinks I am looking for. Word gets it wrong most of the time.

When I use my phone and I’m texting or when I’m writing an email auto correct kicks in and tries to put words in my head.

When I use Google search for some strange reason it understands what I’m writing.

When I look up a word in the Dictionary, I just look at the cover and think, hell that takes too long. 

D.A.S.S

            I like going places with my dad, and when I’m out and about with him he runs into a lot of what he calls D.A.S.Ss. One time we were traveling on the highway and a guy in a pickup truck cut my dad off he didn’t even use his turn signal.

            My dad said, “That D.A.S.S, he must be a Masshole!”

            To clear his reference up the word “Masshole” is what folks from Maine call people from Massachusetts or another name used in a nicer content is Massawhatsit. Folks in that, state don’t know what a turn signal is. My dad says the turn signals in cars from Massawhatsit have been disconnected, as the car manufacturers figured them folks never use them. So why make them work?

            Another D.A.S.S moment happened when my dad and I were at the pet store. We exited the pet store and this fancy pants dude, as my dad called him, put his cart by the curb and it slowly rolled backwards and ran into the front of my dad’s truck. Dad was mad, but keep in mind we own a septic tank business, so the dent wasn't the problem. He, was madder at the fact that as the cart rolled backwards and the guy just got in his BMW and drove out of the parking lot. Out of my dad’s mouth came the words, “That stupid D.A.S.S!!”

            With all that said I made it my goal to rid the world of D.A.S.S I started with my kindergarten class. It was a Friday afternoon, my teacher Miss P. she looked like Popeye’s girlfriend Olive Oil, she told the class to play quietly and that she had to step out for a short time. Our kindergarten classroom was one of those open room something’s were you had two classrooms side by side with no wall. Miss P. informed the other teacher Miss what’s her name that she was stepping out. I think she had to go to the can as my dad called it.

            After Miss P. walked out the door I grabbed the big letter cards and laid the cards against the board by the circle time area. I then got ever one to come to circle time area and sit down. I placed out the letter cards D.A.S.S and explained to my classmate how not to be a D.A.S.S. I found that for some of the girls there was no hope. I informed the hopeless girls to pray for common sense every night before they went to bed, and that one day it would come. Halfway through my program Miss P. walks in and sees the kids gathered and my letters laid out. I knew the gig was up when I heard her say, “Joey Stein!!” That little program got me a trip to the principal’s office and a phone call to my parents.

            My mom that night, glared at my dad and said, “This is your fault!” as she pointed at me. He just gave me a wink as he shrugged his shoulders.    

I WANT BIG TIRES ON MY BIKE

Small tires are nice but I want BIG, the bigger the better.

 NO kid should have to put up with small. 

Stupid in the City

            Our family rarely makes trips to Portland. It’s a bit of a drive from what Mom says. With that said, when the opportunity popped up, I jumped at going to Portland. Dad had to pick up some stuff, from one of his suppliers. Dad and I headed out in the morning, and he informed me that he would take me around the big city. Portland wasn't really a big city, it was just the biggest town in the State of Maine.

            The two of us arrived in Portland about 9:00am, Dad informed me that we had to pick up some septic pump parts at Blowin Septic pumps before we could tour the city. It took dad about an hour at the pump store. Sales people; they love to talk. I guess when they are at home, their wives don’t let them talk a lot, so they make up for it at work. When my dad was finally done, I shook out the ants in my pants, and we headed down town to visit a number of shops. We even had lobster rolls for lunch.

            As we head down Commercial Street we started hearing a loud noise. Boom, boom, boom. It was getting louder, and coming from the street which was packed full of cars. I then heard someone singing, “Yo gonna beat that bitch with a bat, yo gonna beat that bitch with a bat.” When my dad heard the words he whipped his head around so fast I thought it was going to fall off. My dad and I figured out where the music and those bad lyrics were coming from. Down the Street came a Mercedes convertible with the top down. Behind the wheel was a white guy in a suit and tie; he looked like the banker type. I knew the words bat and beat, but I didn’t know what bitch meant.

            I looked up at my dad and asked, “What’s a bitch?”

            My dad answered my question almost like he knew I was going to ask it and said, “A bitch is a female dog.” 

            I then asked, “So why would someone want to make a song about beating a female dog, let alone listen to it?”

            “Son, he doesn’t want to beat his dog he’s just mad at his wife because she divorced him,” my dad said with a straight face.

            “Dad what’s a divorce?”

            “Forget I said it. Let’s go get some ice cream.”

Guacamole

Our family goes out about once a week. Our whole family gathers about once every six months. On one of those six month gatherings we ended up at a Mexican restaurant. Mexican food was not my top choice I would have been happy with pizza, hamburgers, or chicken nuggets; everything a growing boy needs. Eating Mexican will just make me short. Also what’s up with Mexican food anyway you ask for beans and they look like someone put them in a blender. Hell, if you ask for meat it’s also blended up. If I was a baby still, I would love Mexican, it would beat eating vegetables that looked like tapioca pudding. My biggest pet peeve about Mexican food are the hot sauces they put on the food. My uncle Joe, who I’m named after, by the way, loves hot stuff. If there truly is a hell they are all setting around eating Mexican food, “Pass the refried beans, please.” Enough about my dislike of Mexican food. My family pulled in to Mexican Pete’s Restaurant. Mexican Pete’s looked like something crossed between a redneck with money and a Mexican that didn’t know what a peso was. Outside in the parking lot we waited and talked to family as they came in.

            On the guest list was my family plus goth girl left over from Halloween (my sister). Uncle Joe, and Aunt Stacey with cousins Louise and Katie. Louise is just a baby so I know she’d love the blender food. My other cousin, Katie, is about my age, I think she’s 7. My other uncle, Uncle Jay and his wife Aunt Elizabeth who my big sister was named after also came. They even brought my cousin Ash with them. My Uncle Jay and Aunt Elizabeth are the smartest folks in our family but for some strange reason Uncle Jay is quiet as a church mouse around Aunt Elizabeth. When you get Uncle Jay away from Aunt Elizabeth, look out, Uncle Jay will talk so much you can even get a word in edgewise, and forget trying to get away he won’t even let you escape. What’s that movie were the guys trying to escape from New York? O’ it’s Escape From New York with that snake guy I thing. I need to make a movie called Escape From Jay The Man Who Said to Much.

            The last to show up was Gramma Pat and Grandpa Bill, and like always Grandpa Bill was complaining to Gramma about being late like always. Grandma always responds with, “Ah, Shut up William, Put a Sock in It!”       

            We all sat down at a large table in the restaurant gathered together. Everyone tried to catch up on past news in the family that does not show up to the family gathering. We do have about every two to four years a large family reunion. Our waiter put out the chips and drinks and gets our food order. My little sister and my cousins we all had the Quesadillas with rice which in American means a grill chesse sandwich with rice. I wanted French fries but I guess France is just not close enough to Spain to make Spanish Fries. Something that really surprised me was the bags of rice stacked up pretty like at the front of the restaurant said in small print right at my eye level product of China. To think I can’t even get a lousy French Fry.

            As the family finished their food the restaurant was filling up. It made sense because Boothbay only had one Mexican restaurant. It’s popularity was due in part to the fact that most folks don’t want to eat Seafood 7 days a week let alone fish for it, and eat it every day. Plus Gramma Pat doesn’t like Sea Food, as Grandpa Bill says, “She doesn’t like anything that looks like food.”

            The restaurant, as it filled up, had gotten louder from everyone talking until they showed up. Four mean looking biker guys came in they had long beards almost as long as those ZZ Top guys my Dad likes to listen to on the radio. The biker guys sat down and after getting their drinks started right in the restaurant lighting up cigarettes and one of them even had a cigar. Like a Maine fog bank the smoke moving into our area.

            My mother said, “The weather today: smoky with a chance of annoyance 100%.” I could see my family did not like the smoke.

            Aunt Stacey informed everyone that she had to leave the table to take care of Little Louise’s accident. I asked my aunt if I could help because I knew that the restaurant had a family bathroom for taking care of babies.

            “Ok, Joey, if you like,” Aunt Stacey said.

            In the family room my aunt unwrapped Louise’s diaper. As soon as the air touched the diaper my nose was attacked. The smell hit the room like a bomb going off. Louise’s poop was so bad I was about to loose my dinner. My aunt asked me if I was ok. I looked at her and just nodded my head telling her I was ok. I felt that if I talked the poop toxins would enter into my mouth and I would get sick. My aunt rolled the diaper up and handed it to me. I held my breath, and walked out of the family room. Outside the bathroom I took a deep breath to get some air. I stood by the bathroom door, and looked towards the smoky fog bank that was still growing. I saw that no one had stepped up and taken action or even informed the smokers of right and wrong.

            It was time for me to step up. Someone had to save the citizens of Gotham from the evil smokers! I walked up to their table and stood looking at them. Fear ran though my veins because I was shaking like a wind chimes on the back porch. The biker dudes looked at me not smiling. One of them blew a large smoke cloud into the air. Then another asked me in a deep voice, “What do you want kid?”

            I swallowed my fear and slammed the dirty diaper on the table next to their chips and salsa. I then said, “Here’s some guacamole to go with your chips and cigars!” The diaper opened up like a flower and as I saw the green of Louise’s poop come in to view the smell hit the room at the same time. I walked away from the table while the biker dudes were trying to hold their noses and getting a grip on what was on the table. As I walked back to my table just about everyone in the restaurant clapped their hands and had a smile on their face. My Uncle Joe gave me a high five, and my other family members were laughing. My sister Elizabeth said, “Good job, shit head!”

            My mother on the other hand was the only one not laughing she looked at me like I had robbed a bank. My dad smiled at me and told me to sit down. Just as I sat down one of the biker dudes walked up to my table, and every one of my family became quiet. The man looked over every one at the table and said, “On behalf of my friends over there I would like to say that we are sorry for smoking while you folks were trying to eat. Most restaurants we stop at no one says anything. I guess it has to do with how we look.”

My Gramma Pat spoke up and said, “That’s ok, Sir. Just excuse my grandson he has a habit of keeping his fear in his pocket and his brain in the other.”

            “That’s alright we’re glad he stood up to us, and by the way my friends and I would like to buy your whole family dinner,” the man said.

            My father said, “Thank you, but that’s not necessary.”

            The man pushed on my father with kindness until he gave in and my Gramma told him to take the man’s kindness.             

A Tire Problem

Dad, had some bad luck, he was driving to a job site, to pump out some poo. He was driving the big pump truck, when he found a large pimple on the side of one of the tires, Dad sat at a gas station for an hour, until TP (Tire Pro) showed up. About an hour later he was back on the road.

                When Dad got home, he complained to Mom about having to pay $600.00 for just one tire and a service call. He was so mad he wanted to use the bill as toilet paper.

What’s In the Paper Bag?

                I sat at the kitchen table eating my Captain Crunch and drinking a glass of milk. My mom and Dad look at me as being strange for not putting my milk in with the cereal.

            Dad walks into the kitchen with a brown paper bag in tow and puts it on the table. Mom says, “I see you went to the grocery store.”

            “That I did.”

            “So Dad, what’s in the bag,” I asked.

            “Nothing of much importance.”

            “So what is” not much importance?”

            “Why are you so fascinated with what’s in a simple paper bag?”

            “If the bag is of” not much importance then why do you not let me know what’s in it?” I asked.

            “Some things in a young boy’s life are better left not knowing.”

            “Not knowing? If I don’t ask questions, how will I learn?”

            “You can always learn, but keep in mind you don’t need to know everything while you are still young.”

            “What does being young have to do with what is in a paper bag?”

            “Trust me, you do not want to know what not much importance is in that bag at your young age.”

            “Dad, it’s not like there’s a monster in the bag,” I said as I smiled at him.

            “Joey, it’s not the fact that there is no monster. It’s what the item in the bag represents. When I was your age my father had a similar conversation like the one where having.”

            “Ok, go on,” I pushed.

            “You see, when I was a young boy, my mother asked my father to go to the store and pick something up. The item my mother asked him to pick up at the drug store at the time was always placed in a paper bag. When my father returned with said paper bag he gave it to my mother happily. I, like you, then asked what was in the paper bag. My father asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I informed him that I was sure. My father said, “Ok then,” and told me what was in the bag. My jaw hit the floor in shock after he told me what was in the bag. At that point I decided to save my own son the horror of knowing what was in the brown paper bag until he was of age.”

            “So I guess I’m not of age,” I said.

            “You got it kid.”

            Just then, my older sister Elizabeth, looking like the walking dead dressed in what she called Goth, came into the kitchen. I looked at her as if she was celebrating Halloween. Elizabeth walked up to the kitchen table and grabbed the bag and asked Dad, “Is this what I’ve been waiting for?”

            “Yes,” Dad said as he smiled at my sister.

            “Thanks for getting me my Tampons, Dad.”

            I smiled at Dad and asked, “Dad, what’s a tampon?”

            “Joey, just eat your cereal.”

The End of Jenny and Batman Having Tea and The Beginning of Batman goes Toy Shopping Part 2

 

Mrs. Alfred saves the day with the greatest words ever, “Ok kids lets go see Jeffery at the toy store.”

Batman with a stone smile says, “Holy popsicle sticks! I survived The Young Villain Lady’s plan to kill me with juice and cuteness thanks to Alfred.”

I put on my utility belt over my blue dress. I checked all the yellow compartments to make sure The Evil Young Lady did not take any of the Bat’s tools. Let’s see, I have the Bat mini light, Bat rope, Bat jacks, Bat marbles (can’t loose those), Bat tape gray, Bat pocket knife, Bat toilet paper (you never know), and Bat tweezers. From what I could see; I had everything.

“To the Bat van,” I said.

“It’s not a Bat van it’s a mini van, silly,” The Evil Young Lady said.

Batman just gave her a stone look as he tried to walk to the one exit out of The Villain’s Layer, but as Batman made two steps down he went.

“Ha, Ha! Funny looking, Brother, you tripped over the dress. You better not rip my dress or I’ll tell Mommy.” The Evil Young Lady said.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head,” I said.

Then as I tried to get up “O no! The Bat marbles!” And down I went again. Not even out the door, and already loosing my marbles.

“Ha, Ha! You fell again!”

It’s not easy being a superhero. I gathered up my marbles pulled up my dress and headed for the Bat van. The Bat van sat sadly out in front of Stein Manor House for all the city’s villains to see. The Bat van wouldn’t fit in the cave, because it was full. The Bat cave was a dumping ground for old furniture, clothing and the like. It was so bad Dad had a path to the garage door so if he needed to exit the cave in a timely manner.

Mom fired up the van and you could hear the engine squeal in anticipation.

“Darn belt! I keep forgetting to fix it. You kids strapped in and ready to go?,” Mom said.

The Little Villain Lady and myself put our thumbs up. We headed down the road in the Bat van. It looked more like something the Joker would laugh at and the Riddler would drive. The van was lime green and as you got closer to the bottom it changed to black. My mother never washed the van She looked at it as: Why wash something that will get dirty in just 5 minutes of driving on a Maine road?

The Sun darkened the front of the building as we pulled up, but you could see it in all it’s glory and color. The Toys-R-Us sign, big as day, and I had an even bigger smile. We entered the store, and of course we had to see everything, but the girly girl stuff. Mom made me go down the girly girl isles with Jenny, I hated that. I would rather get beat up on the playground than as a boy have to go down the girly girl aisles. However, there is one unholy place to a boy of any age; an aisle so dark and evil that if you say the name to another boy he could get an ear infection or some other illness, and might even die from it. For safety and the future of all boy kind we simply call the dark aisle “The Pink aisle.” Girls’ call it by its real name, it scares me to even tell you the name, The Barbie aisle. I was lucky this day, I saved myself from having to walk down that bright pink road, for if I did, and a boy found out, I would most likely never be touched again for I would have The Pink Plague.

Now onto a better and brighter aisle, The Action Figure aisle. Mind you, my Dad in all his wit and wisdom has always informed me that Action Figures are just dolls for boys. I have argued The Action Figure point with him and sometimes the whole family that he is wrong. I have also informed my Dad that I will obtain a lawyer and argue the case of Action Figure vs Dolls in a court of law. At this time I am still working on coming up with the capital to pay for said lawyer.

Before I headed down the Action Figure aisle Jenny yelled out, “Mommy, Mommy!”

“What is it Jenny?”

“I have a party in my pants, Mommy.”

Mom told me to stay in The Action Figure aisle and that she had to take my sister to the restroom. I nodded my head and entered the world of heroes and villains. No Barbies on this here aisle. All by myself drool rolling down the corner of my mouth I didn’t know what to pick up. Spiderman, Batman, Hulk, Superman, and more. I finally grabbed a Batman, and a Joker and just looked at them as I stood in the isle.

“Hey, freak boy!” a voice yelled out at me. I turned my head in the direction of the name calling. I saw a boy looked to be 10 years old and chunky with blond hair and freckles.

“Hey, I’m talking to you, you little freak. Who you supposed to be?”

“I M BATMAN!!”

“Ha, ha, ha,” The Kid said, as he started walking towards me.

“You’re not Batman your just some dumb little kid with a Batman mask and a blue dress on.”

I pulled up the bottom of my dress and showed the big stupid kid that I was Batman. I showed the kid that like all good super heroes I wear my underwear on the outside. My Underroos even had the Bat symbol on the front. DON’T WEARY LADIES, I HAD BLACK JEANS ON UNDER MY UNDERROOS.

“You’re a freak for wearing your underwear on the outside and even bigger freak for wearing a dress. Are your parents stupid or something?”

“I AM BATMAN, not a freak.”

The big kid looked at my hands and said, “What do you have in your hands.”

“Batman figures,” I said.

“Let me see, give them to me!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m bigger then you, and I said so!”

“That’s what my dad says sometimes and your not him, so NO!!”

The big kid reached over and grabs The Batman action figure out of my right hand. Batman became mad and gave the punk kid a look and said, “So you like to steal toys from little kids?”

“What did you say freak boy?” the big kid said looking puzzled.

Batman said one last thing “Are you feeling lucky punk?” and then I brought up my right leg and kicked the punk in the family jewels as hard as I could. My leg moved so fast that the bottom of my dress flew up and hit me in the face. The dress blocked my view so I couldn’t see if I had made contact. As my dress cleared my face, and started to lay back down a wall of spit came flying at my face. I took the edge of the dress on the arm sleeves, and wiped my face off. After opening my eyes I saw laying on the floor the punk kid in the fetal position holding himself and crying.

On the floor by the kid was the Batman action figure. I looked at The Action Figure and then throw the Joker figure I had in my other hand next to the kid and said, “Seeing that you wanted The Batman figure so bad you should take the Joker figure instead. You two have a lot in common.”

I approached the end of the aisle just as my mother and Jenny came back from the restroom. My mother asked if I had picked out a toy. I said, “No, let’s just go home we can come back another day.”

My mother looked down the aisle and saw the kid laying on the floor crying, and the two action figure beside him. Before we walked out of the store all my mother said to me was, “Are you ok?”

 

My reply was, “I am ok, Mrs. Alfred, just another day in Gotham City.”

Jenny and Batman Have Tea Part 1

                “This city is full of bad guys. Good thing I am Batman. From a top this building I can look upon Gotham City.”

                “Joey, get off the chair! How many times have I told you not to stand on the chairs?!” My mother yelled as she killed the hopes and dreams of Batman.

                I said in my defense, “But, Mom, I am Batman!”

                “I’ll give you Batman right across those Underroos,” was her unappreciative remark.  I shot my mother a Bat-like look through the Bat mask, opened my cape widely, and jumped off the side of the building landing safely on the streets of Gotham. Behind me I heard the sound of a Young Lady in distress.

                “Hey, Joey, you want to have tea time with me and my friends?” the Young Lady asked. I looked at the Young Lady and said, “I am not, Joey; I am Batman, and Batman does not do what you call Tea Time.”

                “Mommy, Joey won’t play with me,” the Young, now-annoying-Lady said to the Lady-that- brought-me-into-the-world.

                “Joey, you need to play with your sister,” that Lady said.

                The narrator interjects some fact filled information, “Folks, looks like Batman is in a real pickle. He just might be jarred and put on the shelf by the evil villains: The Lady and her side kick Young Lady. What will Batman do next?”

                “But, Ma, I!”

                “Joey, don’t but me!”

                “Batman does not do Tea time or tea parties.” Batman said.

                “JOEY!!”

                “Ok, Ok, I’ll tell Batman we have to do Tea.” I said.

                “He has to wear a dress to my tea party,” The Young Lady said. Batman gave the two ladies a look of shock and horror and said, “Say what?! Batman is too manly to wear a dress.”

                The Lady informed me, “Joey, Cupcake, I’ll tell you what, if you wear the dress and play tea time with your sister, later I’ll take you to the toy store.”

                “He has to wear the blue one and also wear it to the store. We can be Princesses together,” The Young Villain Lady said.

                “Joey, make your sister happy and I will get you something nice,” The Lady said.

                “Can I wear my suit under the dress?” I asked.

                “Batman can wear his suit under the dress. Now go play,” The Lady said.

                It felt cold in the Villains Layer, even heartless. Batman sat at the table dressed in an ugly blue dress. The only redeeming part about this awful contraption was that the color of the dress worked well with Batman’s costume. Batman had jokers to the right and jokers to the left. On the right a brown happy little bear with permanent a grin named Fossie bear who just says “Waka, Waka”. To the left was a white horse with a horn sticking out of its head. The horse just looked at me and commented, “What’s your problem? You never seen a white unicorn with purple hair before?” The other Guests at the table were two other bears and a pig. All I could think was Holy-Grape-Jelly, Batman! Were in a jam and we don’t even have any peanut butter!

                “Would you like some more tea, Mr. Batman?” the Young lady asked.

                ‘No thanks, but I will take two pieces of bread so I can click them together and say, “There’s no place like Gotham. There’s no place like Gotham City.”